Whatever

1) Something a blind man might use?
A sword

2) A Song with the word Moon in the title?
Blue Suede Moon

3) Name the Capital of France?
"F"

4) Name a bird with a long neck?
Naomi Campbell

5) Name an occupation where you might need a torch?
A burglar

6) Where is the Taj Mahal?
Opposite the dental hospital

7) What is Hitler's first name
Heil

8) As happy as.... (Larry gave a hint - think of my name)
A pig in sh*t

9) Some famous brothers
Bonnie and Clyde.

10) A dangerous race
The Arabs

11) Something that floats in a bath
Water

12) An item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers
A horse

13) Something you wear on a beach
A deck-chair

14) A famous Royal
Mail

15) Something that flies that doesn't have an engine
A bicycle with wings

16) A famous bridge
The Bridge Over Troubled Waters

17) Something a cat does
Goes to the toilet

18) Something you do in the bathroom
Decorate

19) A method of securing your home
Put the kettle on

20) Something associated with pigs
The Police

21) A sign of the Zodiac
April

22) Something people might be allergic to
Skiing

23) Something you do before you go to bed
Sleep

24) Something you put on walls
A roof

25) Something slippery
A con-man

26) A kind of ache
A fillet of fish

27) A Jacket Potato topping
Jam

28) A food that can be brown or white
A potato

29) A famous Scotsman
Jock

30) A famous Welshman
Vinnie Jones

31) Something you open other than a door
Your bowels

• ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE:
  Warning keep out of children.
• ON A HAIR DRYER:
  Do not use while sleeping.
• ON A BAG OF FRITOS:
  You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
• ON A BAR OF DIAL SOAP:
  Directions: Use like regular soap.
• ON A FROZEN DINNER:
  Serving suggestion: Defrost.
• ON A HOTEL-PROVIDED SHOWER CAP:
  Fits one head.
• ON TESCO'S TIRAMISU DESERT:
  Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)
• ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING:
  Product will be hot after heating.
• ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON:
  Do not iron clothes on body.
• ON BOOTS CHILDRENS' COUGH MEDICINE:
  Do not drive car or operate machinery.
• ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID):
  Warning: may cause drowsiness.
  
• ON A STRING OF CHINESE MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS:
  For indoor or outdoor use only.
• ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR:
  Not to be used for the other use.
• ON SAINSBURY'S PEANUTS:
  Warning: contains nuts.
• ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS:
  Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
• ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW:
  Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.

"The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

"So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

"Warning! You want a warning? Okay, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

"Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid."

"In God we trust, all others are suspects."

"Who was the first man?" asked Peter.

"Adam."

"That's correct. Enter." Soon another man came along.

"Where did Adam and Eve live?"

"Eden."

That's correct. Enter." Then Mother Theresa came along.

"Ooh, I'll have to give you a hard one. What did Eve say when she met Adam for the first time?"

"Mmm, that IS a hard one."

"Enter."