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who's egg is this?
 
 
There was once a Scotsman and an Englishman who lived next door to each other. The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast. One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg. The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.
"In my family," the Scotsman said, "we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the balls and time how long it takes you to get back up. Then you kick me in the balls and time how long it takes for me to get up. Whoever gets up quicker wins the egg." The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman found his heaviest pair of boots kicked the Englishman as hard as he could in the balls. The Englishman fell to the floor clutching his nuts and howled in agony for 30 minutes. Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to kick you."
"Keep the goddamn egg."
top 20 signs it's a bad day
 
 
  1. You wake up face down on the pavement.
  2. You put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
  3. You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold.
  4. You see a '60 minutes' news team waiting in your office.
  5. Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
  6. You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party and there aren't any.
  7. You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes out of the city.
  8. Your twin sister forgot your birthday.
  9. You wake up and discover your waterbed broke and then realize that you don't have a waterbed.
  10. Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway.
  11. Your wife wakes up feeling amorous and you have a headache.
  12. Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat.
  13. The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard.
  14. You wake up and your braces are locked together.
  15. You walk to work and find your dress is stuck in the back of your pantyhose.
  16. Your blind date turns out to be your ex.
  17. Your paycheck bounces.
  18. You put both contact lenses in the same eye.
  19. Your pet rock snaps at you.
  20. Your wife says, 'Good morning, Bill' and your name is George.
unemployed cowboy
 
 
Q: Why did the bowlegged cowboy get fired?

A: Because he couldn't keep his calves together!
i guess that's fair
 
 
Two rednecks meet on a dusty country road. One of them is carrying a big bag labeled, "chickens."

"Chickens, eh?" says one guy. "Hey, if I guess how many chickens you got, will you give me one?"

"Heck," says the guy with the bag, "iffin you guess right, I'll give you both of 'em."

The other scratches his head and guesses, "Um... five?"


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