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the ex-wife and the genie
 
 
One day a man was planting flowers outside his new house when he found a bottle with a cork in it. He took out the cork and with a poof, a genie came out. 'I will grant you three wishes but whatever you wish for your ex-wife gets double,' said the genie.
'Okay. for my first wish I want one million dollars,' said the man. And, in a poof of smoke, one million dollars appeared.
'Hmm... but now my ex-wife has two million dollars,' said the man, 'But, for my next wish, I want a five-story manson." And, in a poof of smoke his house turns into a five-story manson. 'But now my ex-wife has a twenty-story manson,' said the man.
'And now, for your last wish?' asked the genie. 'Hmmm... YES! I have the greatest wish yet. Why didn't think of this earlier?!' replied the man. 'For my last wish, I want you to beat me half to death!!!' '
broom factory
 
 
A blonde has been working in a broom factory since childhood, despite the state's strict anti-child labor laws, and has always been a good worker. But one day, she storms into her boss' office.

"I quit! That's it, I'm not working here anymore!"

"Why?" asks the boss. "What's the problem?"

"I've been working here for so long that I've grown the broom bristles between my legs. I can't take it anymore."

"Listen," the boss says. "That's perfectly normal. Look, I have those too."

"Oh, my God!" she exclaims. "It's worse than I thought! You've also grown a broom handle!"

you know you're addicted to coffee when...
 
 
  1. you grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
  2. you sleep with your eyes open.
  3. you have to watch videos in fast-foward.
  4. the only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
  5. you can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without the timer.
  6. you've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
  7. your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
  8. you chew on other people's fingernails.
  9. the nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
  10. you can type sixty words a minute with your feet.
  11. you can jump-start your car without cables.
  12. you don't sweat, you percolate.
  13. you walk twenty miles on your tread mill before you realize it's not plugged in.
  14. you forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
  15. you've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
  16. instant coffee takes too long.
  17. you channel surf faster without a remote.
  18. you have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
  19. you short out motion detectors.
  20. you don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
  21. you help your dog chase its tail.
  22. you soak your dentures in coffee.
  23. your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee and an IV hook-up.
  24. you get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
  25. you answer the door before people knock.
cow pat lip gloss
 
 
An old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail. The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss where the sun don't shine. He dropped the horse's tail, stepped up on the walk and aimed toward the swinging doors of the saloon.

"Hold on there, Mister," said the sheriff. "Did I just see what I think I saw?"

"Reckon you did, Sheriff. I got me some powerful chapped lips."

"And that cures them?" the Sheriff asked.

"Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' 'em."


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