Whatever

A little old lady goes into the Chase Manhattan Bank, and says she wants to open a savings account. The accounts person asks her how much she would like to deposit to open the account and the little old lady says, "Three million dollars."

The accounts person is startled, and says, "In what form?" and the little old lady says, "Cash. I've got it here in this bag..."

The accounts person looks and, sure enough, the lady has a big grocery bag just chock full of green stuff in big denominations. This is a highly unusual event, and the accounts person excuses herself to get the president of the bank to handle this one. He arrives, and escorts the little old lady to his office to handle it personally. Once in his office, he asks the little old lady where she got so much money. She says, "Gambling."

"Gambling?," he says. "What sort of gambling?"

"Oh, I make bets with people on all sorts of things, and I usually win. For example, I've got $100,000 right here that says that by noon tomorrow your balls will be square, and I'll even give you 4:1 odds. You got $25,000 you'd be willing to wager on that?"

The bank president is shocked at this sort of thing coming from a sweet little old lady, but he didn't get to be the president of the Chase Manhattan Bank without knowing something about money. "I suppose I could come up with enough to cover that sort of wager, but I wouldn't feel right taking it from you...there's no way you can win a bet like that!"

The little old lady just shook the bag, and said, "I know what I'm doing...and I can afford to lose, though I'm not going to. Is it a bet?"

"Ok, have it your way," said the president, and they shook hands on it.

"See you at 11:55 tomorrow morning," said the little old lady, and with that she left. Next morning at 11:55 the little old lady arrives with a younger man in a three-piece suit, and is escorted to the bank president's office. The president is a nervous wreck, though a happy one. He'd gotten almost no sleep the night before, waking every few minutes to feel his balls to check for impending squareness, but nothing happened all night. He had checked hundreds of times that morning, but still nothing; perfectly normal. When the little old lady arrived he started to relax, knowing he had won. "Come in, please have a seat! Who might this gentleman be?" said the president.

"He's my lawyer. For a bet of this size I want to have a witness. Any objections?"

"No, perfectly understandable," said the president.

"Well, it's now noon, and I'm still unchanged, so I guess I win!" he said happily.

"Not so fast!" said the little old lady. "For a hundred grand I want to verify things personally! Please drop your pants."

The bank president is a bit flustered, but agrees that in her position he'd want proof as well, so he drops his pants. The little old lady goes over to him and reaches out to feel the organs in question.

"Ok, you win, here's your $100,000," says the little old lady, handing over a bag of bills. As she does so, her lawyer starts banging his head against the wall and moaning.

"What's wrong with him?" asks the bank president.

"Oh, he's just upset. Poor loser if you ask me. You see, I had a bet for $1,000,000 with him that I would have the President of the Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls by noon today."

A survey of top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations asking for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants revealed the following low-lights:

1. '... stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application.'

2. 'She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time.'

3. 'A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece.'

4. '... asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate.'

5. '... announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer's office - wiping the ketchup on her sleeve'

6. 'Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.'

7. 'Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions.'

8. 'When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office.'

9 . 'At the end of the interview, while I stood there dumbstruck, went through his briefcase, took out a brush, brushed his hair, and left.'

10. '... pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him.'

11. 'Said he wasn't interested because the position paid too much.'

12. 'While I was on a long-distance phone call, the applicant took out a copy of Penthouse, and looked through the photos only, stopping longest at the centerfold.'

13. 'During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's brief case. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview.'

14. 'A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: 'Which company? When do I start? What's the salary?' I said, 'I assume you're not interested in conducting the interview any further.' He promptly responded, 'I am as long as you'll pay me more.' I didn't hire him, but later found out there was no other job offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer.'

15. 'His attache [case] opened when he picked it up and the contents spilled, revealing ladies' undergarments and assorted makeup and perfume.'

16. 'Candidate said he really didn't want to get a job, but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one.'

17. '... asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk. When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted my phone number. I called security.'

18. 'Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch and ran. No one was injured, but I did need to get a new desk.'

A young, beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling like expensive perfume. She turns to an old woman and says arrogantly, "Giorgio Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!"

Another young, beautiful woman gets onto the elevator and also smells of very expensive perfume. She arrogantly turns to the old woman and says, "Chanel No. 5, $150 dollars an ounce!"

About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both of the women in the eyes, turns around, bends over, farts and says, "Broccoli, 49 cents a pound!"

A blonde heard that milk baths would make you beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk. The milkman thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

'I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 15 gallons or 1.5 gallons?'

'I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath.'

'Pasteurized?'

'No, just up to my tits.'