top ten lists jokes

10. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the Earth.

9. Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.

8. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

7. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

6. You can focus better with one eye closed.

5. You fall off the floor.

5. The whole bar greets you when you come in.

4. You haven't had a driver's license in such a long time that you have forgotten what one looks like.

3. Roseanne looks good.

2. You don't recognize your wife/husband unless seen through bottom of glass.

1. You spent more time on the floor than you do standing up.

Cards You Will Never See In Hallmark

1. "Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife."
   
   
2. "How could two people as beautiful you have such an ugly baby?"
   
   
3. "I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind."
   
   
4. "I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed in Hell til I met you."
   
   
5. "Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What was I thinking?"
   
   
6. "As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me."
   
   
7. "If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister."
   
   
8. "As you grow older, Mom, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..."
   
   
9. "Thanks for being a part of my life!!!I never knew what evil was before this!"
   
   
10. "Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would like to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."
    
    
11. "Someday I hope to get married, but not to you."
    
    
12. "Sorry things didn't work out, but I can't handle guys with boobs that are bigger than mine."
    
    
13. "Happy Birthday! You look great for your age...Almost Lifelike!
    
    
14. "When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broke up, I think it's time you kept your promise."
    
    
15. "I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."
    
    
16. "We have been friends for a very long time, what say we call it quits."
    
    
17. "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here."
    
    
18. "Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?"
    
    
19. "You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket.... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."
    
    
20. "Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday ---so we're having you put to sleep."
    
    
21. "Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!" (available only in Arkansas)
    
    

Top Ten Television Shows in Iraq

1. "Husseinfeld"
   
   
2. "Mad About Everything"
   
   
3. "U.S. Military Secrets Revealed"
   
   
4. "Suddenly Sanctions"
   
   
5. "Allah McBeal"
   
   
6. "Wheel of Fortune and Terror"
   
   
7. "Achmed's Creek"
   
   
8. "Iraq's Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers"
   
   
9. "Buffy The Slayer of Yankee Imperialist Dogs"
   
   
10. "Just Shoot Me"
    
    

30 Ways to Have Fun at the Expense of Others

1. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
   
   
2. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
   
   
3. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
   
   
4. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
   
   
5. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
   
   
6. Practice making fax and modem noises.
   
   
7. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc." them to your boss.
   
   
8. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
   
   
9. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
   
   
10. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
    
    
11. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
    
    
12. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
    
    
13. Adjust the background color on your email so that all your email correspondence is in green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
    
    
14. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
    
    
15. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
    
    
16. Honk and wave to strangers.
    
    
17. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
    
    
18. TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE..
    
    
19. type only in lowercase.
    
    
20. dont use any punctuation either
    
    
21. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
    
    
22. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."
    
    
23. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
    
    
24. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce, "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
    
    
25. Ask people what gender they are.
    
    
26. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
    
    
27. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
    
    
28. Sing along at the opera.