drink too much coffee
You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When . . .
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- Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
- You ski uphill.
- You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
- You speed walk in your sleep.
- You have a bumper sticker that says: "Coffee drinkers are good in the sack."
- You answer the door before people knock.
- You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
- You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit.
- You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
- You sleep with your eyes open.
- You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
- The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
- You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
- You lick your coffeepot clean.
- You spend every vacation visiting "Maxwell House."
- You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there.
- You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
- Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
- You chew on other people's fingernails.
- The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
- Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's coffee."
- Your so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.
- You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.
- You can jump-start your car without cables.
- Cocaine is a downer.
- All your kids are named "Joe."
- You don't need a hammer to pound in nails.
- Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."
- You don't sweat, you percolate.
- You buy milk by the barrel.
- You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
- You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
- You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
- You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
- Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.
- You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
- People get dizzy just watching you.
- When you find a penny, you say, "Find a penny, pick it up. Sixty-three more, I'll have a cup."
- You've worn the finish off your coffee table.
- The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
- Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
- Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
- You're so wired, you pick up AM radio.
- People can test their batteries in your ears.
- Your life's goal is to amount to a hill of beans.
- Instant coffee takes too long.
- You channel surf faster without a remote.
- When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."
- You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can
- You want to come back as a coffee mug in your next life.
- Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil
- You'd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison.
- You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.
- You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.
- You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar."
- You get drunk just so you can sober up.
- You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson.
- Your Thermos is on wheels.
- Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
- You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
- You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
- You short out motion detectors.
- You have a conniption over spilled milk.
- You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
- Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
- You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.
- You don't tan, you roast.
- You don't get mad, you get steamed.
- Your three favorite things in life are...coffee before and coffee after.
- Your lover uses soft lights, romantic music, and a glass of iced coffee to get you in the mood.
- You can't even remember your second cup.
- You help your dog chase its tail.
- You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
- Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London.
- You introduce your spouse as your coffeemate.
- You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation."
- Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.
a new car from aol
The AOL Car
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- The AOL car would have a TOP speed of 40 MPH yet have a 200 MPH speedometer.
- The AOL car would come equipped with a NEW and fantastic 8-Track tape player.
- The car would often refuse to start and owners would just expect this and try again later.
- The windshield would have an extra dark tint to protect the driver from seeing better cars.
- AOL would sell the same model car year after year and claim it's the NEW model.
- Every now and then the brakes on the AOL car would just "lock-up" for no apparent reason.
- The AOL car would have a very plain body style but would have lots'a pretty colors and lights.
- The AOL car would have only one door but it would have 5 extra seats for family members.
- Anyone dissatisfied could return the car but must continue to make payments for 6 months.
- If an AOL car owner received 3 parking tickets AOL would take the car off of them.
- The AOL car would have an AOL Cell phone that can only place calls to other AOL car cell phones.
- AOL would pass a new car law forbidding AOL car owners from driving near other car dealerships.
- AOL car mechanics would have no experience in car repair.
- Younger AOL car drivers would be able to make other peoples AOL cars stall just for fun.
- It would not be possible to upgrade your AOL car stereo.
- AOL cars would be forced to use AOL gas that cost 20% more and gave worse mileage.
- Anytime an AOL car owner saw another AOL car owner he would wonder, M/F/age?
- It would be common for AOL car owners to divorce just to marry another AOL car owner.
- AOL car owners would always claim to be older or younger than they really are.
- AOL cars would come with a steering wheel and AOL would claim no other cars have them.
- Every time you close the door on the AOL car it would say, "Good-Bye."
excuses for sleeping
Excuses To Use When Caught Sleeping At Work
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- They told me at the blood bank that this might happen.
- This is just a 15 minute power nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to.
- I was working smarter - not harder.
- Whew! I must have left the top off the whiteout.
- I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!
- This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!
- I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance.
- I'm in the management training program.
- I'm actually doing a Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan (SLEEP). I learned at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend.
- This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!
- I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress. Do you discriminate against people who practice Yoga?
- No! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.
- The coffee machine is broken....
- Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot.
- Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off.
- Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!
- I wasn't sleeping. I was trying to pick up my contact lens without my hands.
- The mail courier flipped out and pulled a gun so I was playing dead to avoid getting shot.
- Geez, I thought you (the boss) were gone for the day.
- I'm just resting my eyes.
you an internet addict?
You Might Be An Internet Addict If...
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- You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don't have a clue as to when it happened.
- Your bookmark list takes 15 minutes to go from top to bottom.
- Your nightmares are in HTML and GIFS.
- You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
- You start introducing yourself as "Jim at net dot com"
- Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address on TV.
- You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives.
- Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.
- All of your friends have an @ in their names.
- When looking at a web page full of someone else's links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.
- Your dog has its own home page.
- You can't call your mother... She doesn't have a modem.
- You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.
- Your phone bill is a heavy as a brick.
- You write your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.
- You don't know the sex of three of your closest friends, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.
- Your husband tells you that he has had the beard for 2 months
- You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
- You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got work to do" -- even though you don't have a job.
- You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.
- Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."
- You get a tattoo that says "This body best viewed with Netscape 3.0 or higher."
- You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP... because you never log off.
- The last girl you picked up was only a GIF.
- You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.
- Your wife says communication is important in a marriage... so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.
- As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the "back" button.
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