top ten lists

Ten Things A Cat Thinks About

1. I could have sworn I heard the can opener.
   
   
2. Is there something I'm not getting when humans make noise with their mouths?
   
   
3. Why doesn't the government do something about dogs?
   
   
4. I wonder if Morris really liked 9-Lives, or did he have ULTERIOR motives?
   
   
5. Hmmm ... If dogs serve humans, and humans serve cats, why can't we cats ever get these STUPID dogs to do anything for us?
   
   
6. This looks like a good spot for a nap.
   
   
7. Hey -- no kidding, I'm sure that's the can opener.
   
   
   
   
8. Would humans have built a vast and complex civilization of their own if we cats hadn't given them a reason to invent sofas and can openers in the first place?
   
   
9. If there's a God, how can He allow neutering?
   
   
10. If that really was the can opener, I'll play finicky just to let THEM know who's boss!
    
    

The Top 10 Things To Check The Salad Bar Before You Load Your Plate Up

1. Anything that's moving.
   
   
2. Green Carrots.
   
   
3. Moldy Croutons.
   
   
4. Body parts.
   
   
5. Blood in the French Dressing.
   
   
6. A cucumber slice with a bite out of it.
   
   
7. I've seen the movie...they could be there so watch out for Killer Tomatoes!!!
   
   
8. Lettuce that closely resembles Astroturf.
   
   
9. How should I put this...let's just that the sneeze guard didn't do its job and there's something phlegm related in the radishes.
   
   
10. The body of Harold, the dim-witted drive thru clerk who kept messing up orders, under the ice on the bar.
    
    

10. You ticked him off once and your next phone bill was $20,000.

9. He's won the Publisher's Clearing House sweepstakes three years running.

8. When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex.

7. Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.

6. Somehow he/she gets HBO on his PC at work.

5. Mumbled, "Oh, puh-leeez" 95 times during the movie "The Net"

4. Massive RRSP contribution made in half-cent increments.

3. Video dating profile lists "public-key encryption" among turn-ons

2. When his computer starts up, you hear, "Good Morning, Mr. President."

1. You hear him murmur, "Let's see you use that Visa card now, jerk."

Signs Christmas Has Become To Commercial

1. You don't recall that line from It's A Wonderful Life saying, "Every time a cash register rings, a customer enjoys never-before year-end savings at Try-N-Save!"
   
   
2. Your kid makes a fortune trading in "Elmo futures."
   
   
3. Salad Shooter in hand, Michael Jordan shows up as the honorary "4th wise man" in new nativity scenes.
   
   
4. The impossible-to-get "Tickle Me Jesus"
   
   
5. Santa's Coyote/Ford-powered sleigh came in second in this year's Indy 500.
   
   
6. Wise Men now arrive carrying Faux Gold, The Clapper and a Chia Pet.
   
   
7. WWF presents "Oh, Holy Night" Cage Match pitting The Three Wise Men against Jumping Joseph, Manic Mary and the Dangerous Manger Boy!
   
   
8. Santa goes to Yankees in blockbuster trade for the slightly heavier Cecil Fielder.
   
   
9. Rudolph demands Holiday Pay or he walks.
   
   
10. Santa's North Pole operation announces a corporate downsizing amidst rumors that the Elf Division will be sold off to Keebler.
    
    
11. Reindeer rights purchase by Disney results in odd-sounding, "On Doc, on Happy, on Grumpy, on Sneezy. Now Bashful, now Dopey, now Eisner and Sleepy."
    
    
12. $, the holiday formerly known as Christmas
    
    
13. Rather large Nike logo emblazoned across His Holiness's pointy hat during Midnight Mass at St. Peter's.
    
    
14. The Baby GAP's line of Swaddling Clothes(TM)
    
    
15. Michael Jackson buys all rights to the phrase "Ho, Ho, Ho" -- an injunction limits Santa to "a bemused facial expression and laughter not exceeding two syllables."
    
    
16. Image of Virgin Mary appears in Dennis Rodman's hair.