top ten lists

10. It doesn't take minutes to build the picture when you change TV channels.

9. When was the last time you tuned in to "Melrose Place" and got a "Error 404" message?

8. There are fewer grating color schemes on TV--even on MTV.

7. The family never argues over which Web site to visit this evening.

6. A remote control has fewer buttons than a keyboard.

5. Even the worst TV shows never excuse themselves with an "Under Construction" sign.

4. Seinfeld never slows down when a lot of people tune in.

3. You just can't find those cool Health Rider infomercials on the Web.

2. Set-top boxes don't beep and whine when you hook up to HBO.

1. You can't surf the Web from a couch with a beer in one hand and Doritos in the other.

The Top Signs That You've Hired A Bad Private Eye

1. Considers reading "The Hardy Boys Mysteries" actually helpful reasearch.
   
   
2. He has a pet basset hound named "Flash" that acts as his trusty assistant.
   
   
3. His best disguise is wearing a hat.
   
   
4. Keeps getting confused and follows you all the time.
   
   
5. Won't read any messages without his trusty decoder ring.
   
   
6. Dresses up like Jessica Fletcher from "Murder She Wrote" when he thinks he's caught the suspect.
   
   
7. Well, he's blind.
   
   

The Top Bad Response For Guys To Give To The "How Do I Look" Question

1. "That's a great outfit honey but Halloween was 6 weeks ago."
   
   
2. "I ain't seen a caboose that big since Amtrak left town."
   
   
3. "Uh-uh, the last time I answered that question, I went temporarily blind."
   
   
4. "Ssshhh, the games on right now..go look in the mirror, that's what its there for!!"
   
   
5. "Oh man, I'm gonna lose my lunch."
   
   
6. "Like the girl I was with yesterday."
   
   
7. "Like someone in dire need for some liposuction."
   
   
8. "Well, if I close my eyes, just like my previous, prettier girlfriend."
   
   
9. "How can I put this...MOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!"
   
   

Signs You Hired The Wrong Kid To Mow Your Lawn

1. He shows up with a pair of nail clippers and a Ziploc bag.
   
   
2. On the side of his mower you notice the stenciled silhouettes of thirteen cats.
   
   
3. Stops frequently to nap inside the grass-catcher.
   
   
4. Always trying to impress you by stopping the mower blades with his head.
   
   
5. You notice him shoving the last of his clothes into the mulcher.
   
   
6. He's fascinated by the details of you home security system.
   
   
7. Stops every couple of minutes to smoke some clippings.
   
   
8. Somehow manages to mow the hood ornament off your Lexus.
   
   
9. Turns a goat loose and says he'll be back in three weeks.
   
   
10. No toes.