top ten lists

Top Advantages of An Asteroid Really Hitting Earth

1. For starters, you'd be able to surf in South Dakota.
   
   
2. Wouldn't have to hear that garbage Aerosmith song anymore.
   
   
3. The one dinosaur on the planet (here's a clue..he's purple) would be extinct.
   
   
4. We'd miss out on Tony Danza's or Jenny McCarthy's next sitcom.
   
   
5. Puts a major damper on that Molly Hatchet/Judas Priest reunion tour.
   
   
6. Pretty good chance that the Gorditas Dog from the Taco Bell commercials wouldn't survive.
   
   
7. There'd be no more movies on the topic, that's for sure.
   
   

From "Late Show with David Letterman" on Tuesday, August 9, 1994

10. It's hosted by Ed McMahon.

9. "Amplifiers" are just enormous dixie cups.

8. Every song contains a plug for Green Giant frozen vegetables.

7. You're asked to put on a hat and sunglasses and the next thing you know, you're being introduced as Bob Dylan.

6. One word: polkas.

5. Guy sitting next to you brought a glove and has caught three foul balls.

4. "Santana" turns out to be a jolly bearded guy with a sackful of presents.

3. They're playing "May we turn the hose on you, please?" [All night Dave sprayed the crowd which gathers outside for each night's show with a hose.]

2. You spot Rush Limbaugh stage-diving.

1. The crowd is chanting, "Tito! Tito! Tito!"

The Top Don'ts At The Office Christmas Party

1. Don't go up to your boss and make the comparison of him with Santa because he's fat, jolly and only works one day out of the year.
   
   
2. Don't put your boss in a sleeper hold just to bargain for a better salary.
   
   
3. Don't offer anyone a hit from your Egg-Nog funnel.
   
   
4. Don't call your best client and tell him how much you fudged his books by just so you could throw this party in the first place.
   
   
5. Don't chase the secretary around with mistletoe and an eggbeater.
   
   
6. Don't tell your boss that you're the one that runs the company.
   
   

Things Not To Do At A Hostage Negotiation

As Hostage Taker:

1. Demand to speak only with FBI agents Fox Mulder and Dana Scully.
   
   
2. Have one of the hostages hold your gun while you make a quick trip to the bathroom.
   
   
3. Let one hostage go to the bathroom. When he doesn't return, send the others to see what's taking him so long.
   
   
4. Agree to let the hostages go, after doing so, make you demands.
   
   
5. Rig the building to explode if someone tries to go through the door, then remember that you forgot to lock your car and leave the room.
   
   
6. Confuse the detonator for your explosive booby-traps with your garage door opener.
   
   
7. Tell the negotiator that you'd rather choke on tear gas than let the hostages go.
   
   
8. Allow one of the hostages to win possession of your gun because of a paper-rock scissors tournament.
   
   
9. Forget your gun at home.
   
   
10. Run away bawling like a baby when one of your hostages calls you a "meanie".
    
    
11. Ask the negotiator to tell your fiancee that this is all a joke and would she marry you.
    
    

As Negotiator:

1. Ask the hostage taker if he/she would like to go to dinner after the stand-off.
   
   
2. When hearing the demands suddenly yell into the phone, "It all you you you! What about my needs?!"
   
   
3. When you call the hostage taker, tell him you'd like a large thick crust pepperoni and snicker loudly.
   
   
4. Show up stoned and do anything at all.
   
   
5. When the hostage taker lists his demands yell into the phone "La la la la! I can't hear you!"
   
   
6. Mention how much income tax the hostage taker will have to pay if he/she gets the F-15 he/she wants.
   
   
7. Tell the hostage take that you think Rosanne Barr should play him in the TV movie of the stand-off.
   
   
8. Tell the hostage taker you think it'd be really cool if a hostage came flying out of a 52nd story window.
   
   
9. Tell the hostage taker that he must convert to hindu if he wants you to deal with him.
   
   
10. When the hostage taker agrees to let the hostages go tell him, "You're never gonna be on COPS with a wimp attitude like that."