top ten lists

The Top 10 Least Desirable Fortunes in a Fortune Cookie

1. We know where you live.
   
   
2. You will need good reading material in approximately 15 minutes.
   
   
3. Everyone's meal today is on you!
   
   
4. The "special sauce" came from the floor!
   
   
5. Guess what our special "drop" was in our Egg Drop Soup and win a free meal!!
   
   
6. Your colon will self destruct in five seconds.
   
   
7. A recent prison escapee that is sitting near by wants to love you long time.
   
   
8. Your dog Sparky...he's no longer missing.
   
   
9. See the waiter about our new food poison life insurance policies.
   
   
10. MSG? NO!! Ebola Virus....maybe
    
    

10. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the Earth.

9. Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.

8. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

7. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

6. You can focus better with one eye closed.

5. You fall off the floor.

5. The whole bar greets you when you come in.

4. You haven't had a driver's license in such a long time that you have forgotten what one looks like.

3. Roseanne looks good.

2. You don't recognize your wife/husband unless seen through bottom of glass.

1. You spent more time on the floor than you do standing up.

Signs Of The 2000's

1. Before you criticize someone walk a mile in their shoes. That way if they get angry they'll be a mile away -- and barefoot.
   
   
2. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
   
   
3. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
   
   
4. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
   
   
5. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
   
   
6. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
   
   
7. I have found at my age going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of my face.
   
   
8. For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
   
   
9. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
   
   
10. A closed mouth gathers no feet.
    
    
11. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
    
    
12. Always yield to temptation, because it may not pass your way again.
    
    
13. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
    
    
14. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
    
    
15. Eat well - stay fit - die anyway.
    
    
16. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
    
    
17. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
    
    
18. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
    
    
19. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
    
    
20. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
    
    
21. Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.
    
    
22. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
    
    
23. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
    
    
24. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.
    
    
25. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
    
    
26. By the time you can make ends meet they move the ends.
    
    
27. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
    
    
28. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
    
    
29. I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm in the bathroom.
    
    
30. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
    
    

Signs You're Really Broke

1. American Express calls and says: "Leave home without it!"
   
   
2. Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a fine restaurant.
   
   
3. You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank.
   
   
4. You've rolled so many pennies, you've formed a psychic bond with Abe.
   
   
5. Long distance companies no longer call you to switch.
   
   
6. Your credit card companies raised the rates from 6.9% to 24.9%.
   
   
7. You see your roommate as a large fried chicken in tennis shoes.
   
   
8. You receive care packages from Europe.
   
   
9. Your bologna has no first name.
   
   
10. You rob Peter...and then rob Paul.
    
    
11. You finally clean your house, hoping to find change.
    
    
12. You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.
    
    
13. You give blood everyday - for the orange juice.
    
    
14. McDonalds supplies you with all your kitchen condiments.
    
    
15. Consumer Credit Counseling services said "No."
    
    
16. The neighborhood dog stopped sniffing at your pockets.