top ten lists

You Know You're Having a Bad Day When...

1. Your horn sticks on the freeway behind 32 Hell's Angels motorcyclists.
   
   
2. You've been at work 3 hours before you notice that your fly is open or your blouse unbuttoned.
   
   
3. Your twin sister forgets your birthday.
   
   
4. Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
   
   
5. You call the suicide prevention hotline and they put you on hold.
   
   
6. You have to sit down to brush your teeth in the morning.
   
   
7. Everyone avoids you the morning after the company office party.
   
   
8. Your income tax refund check bounces.
   
   
9. The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.
   
   
10. You wake up and your braces are stuck together.
    
    
11. Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife/husband.
    
    
12. You put both contacts into the same eye.
    
    
13. Your mother approves of the person you're dating.
    
    
14. Your doctor tells you that you're allergic to chocolate.
    
    
15. You have to borrow from your Visa card to pay your Mastercard.
    
    
16. Nothing you own is actually paid for.
    
    
17. Everyone loves your driver's licence picture, but you think it looks awful.
    
    
18. The health inspector condems your office coffee maker.
    
    
19. You invite the peeping Tom in... and he says no.
    
    
20. The Gypsy fortune teller offers to refund your money when she sees your future.
    
    
21. People think that you're 40 and you're only 25.
    
    
22. When the doctor tells you are in fine health for someone twice your age.
    
    
23. You call your spouse and tell them that you'd like to eat out tonight and when you get home, your find a sandwich on the front porch.
    
    
24. You start to put on the clothes that you wore home from the party last night...... and there aren't any.
    
    
25. It costs more to fill up your car than it did to buy it.
    
    

The Top 10 Things Overheard In A Tax Preparer's Office Prior To The Tax Filing Deadline

1. No sir, the government does not want you to pay your taxes in pennies.
   
   
2. I have a hard time believing that a garbage collector made $150,000 last year so for the last time, DID YOU HAVE ANY OTHER SOURCE OF INCOME!!!
   
   
3. How cute... a tax form done in crayon.
   
   
4. No sir, its do your taxes every year and renew your driver's license every 4 years, not the other way around.
   
   
5. Just because you talk to your plants ma'am, you cannot, repeat CANNOT list them as your dependants.
   
   
6. No Ms Lewinsky, your oval office "contributions" are not the same as when you check the dollar box at the top of your 1040 form.
   
   
7. Even if you are a hooker, the number of orgasms you've had cannot count as a business expense.
   
   
8. I'm sorry, I'm not sure I follow your "Give me an extension and I'll give you an extension later at my place" argument.
   
   
9. I take it that because you have decided to do origami with your tax form that you're not receptive to paying your taxes this year.
   
   
10. Just remember the IRS motto, buddy: Screw us now, we'll screw you later!!
    
    

How Cold Is Cold?

60 Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one)

50 Miami residents turn on the heat

40 You can see your breath, Californians shiver uncontrollably, Minnesotans go swimming

35 Italian cars don't start

32 Water freezes

30 You plan your vacation to Australia

25 Boston water freezes, Californians weep pitiably, Minnesotans eat ice cream, Canadians go swimming

20 Politicians begin to talk about the homeless, New York City water freezes, Miami residents plan vacation further South

15 French cars don't start, Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you

10 You need jumper cables to get the car going

5 American cars don't start

0 Alaskans put on T-shirts

-10 German cars don't start, Eyes freeze shut when you blink

-15 You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo, Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects, Miami residents cease to exist

-20 Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you, Politicians actually do something about the homeless, Minnesotans shovel snow off roof, Japanese cars don't start

-25 Too cold to think, You need jumper cables to get the driver going

-30 You plan a two week hot bath, Swedish cars don't start

-40 Californians disappear, Minnesotans button top button, Canadians put on sweaters, Your car helps you plan your trip South

-50 Congressional hot air freezes, Alaskans close the bathroom window

-80 Hell freezes over, Polar bears move South

-90 Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets

The Top Signs You're In A Bad Nursing Home

1. Its named Heaven's Waiting Room.
   
   
2. Cheap TV antenna can't pick up Xena: Warrior Princess.
   
   
3. Defibrilator doubles as a remote control.
   
   
4. Its named Matlock Manor.
   
   
5. No furniture in it outside of beds and lots of caskets.
   
   
6. Radio stations alternate between Glenn Miller and broadcasting Last Rites in every language known to man.
   
   
7. You can't ring a nurse but you can page the attorney's office down the hall.
   
   
8. Rectal thermometers made of wood.
   
   
9. Two words: Community Bedpan.