top ten lists jokes

The Top Don'ts At The Office Christmas Party

1. Don't go up to your boss and make the comparison of him with Santa because he's fat, jolly and only works one day out of the year.
   
   
2. Don't put your boss in a sleeper hold just to bargain for a better salary.
   
   
3. Don't offer anyone a hit from your Egg-Nog funnel.
   
   
4. Don't call your best client and tell him how much you fudged his books by just so you could throw this party in the first place.
   
   
5. Don't chase the secretary around with mistletoe and an eggbeater.
   
   
6. Don't tell your boss that you're the one that runs the company.
   
   

10. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the Earth.

9. Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.

8. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

7. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

6. You can focus better with one eye closed.

5. You fall off the floor.

5. The whole bar greets you when you come in.

4. You haven't had a driver's license in such a long time that you have forgotten what one looks like.

3. Roseanne looks good.

2. You don't recognize your wife/husband unless seen through bottom of glass.

1. You spent more time on the floor than you do standing up.

Top Things You Should Not Say To A Judge

1. "I got your community service right here pal!"
   
   
2. "Boy your chamber sure does look different with the lights on."
   
   
3. "You couldn't carry Wapner's gavel you moron!"
   
   
4. "You're not as easy to buy as others said you were."
   
   
5. "No you robe wearing geek."
   
   
6. "I don't suppose there's a "You get me off, I get you off" type of deal out there?"
   
   
7. "Just out of curiousity, are you wearing pants?"
   
   

1. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape.

2. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.

3. When you hear the toilet flush and the words, "Uh-oh," it's already too late.

4. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

5. A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

6. If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak - it explodes.

7. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep.

8. Some things will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old that you'd imagine would remain in him or her.

9. Super glue is forever.

10. McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know.

11. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

12. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

13. VCR's do not eject peanut butter and jelly sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

14. Always look in the oven before you turn it on.

15. The fire department has at least a 5 minute response time.

16. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.

17. It will however make cats dizzy.

18. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.