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top ten lists


in a bad nursing home
 
 
The Top Signs You're In A Bad Nursing Home

  1. Its named Heaven's Waiting Room.

  2. Cheap TV antenna can't pick up Xena: Warrior Princess.

  3. Defibrilator doubles as a remote control.

  4. Its named Matlock Manor.

  5. No furniture in it outside of beds and lots of caskets.

  6. Radio stations alternate between Glenn Miller and broadcasting Last Rites in every language known to man.

  7. You can't ring a nurse but you can page the attorney's office down the hall.

  8. Rectal thermometers made of wood.

  9. Two words: Community Bedpan.

top ten error messages
 
 
The Top 10 Good Error Messages On The Brand New $7000 Computer You Just Bought

  1. "That URL was not found because frankly, I didn' try hard enough."

  2. "If you continue to type that way, you'll get Carpal Tunnel Syndrome."

  3. "The Server is not really down, its just mildly depressed."

  4. "Normally, I would complain but I'll let that rough disk insertion slide this time."

  5. "Don't worry, I'll clean up that beer stain."

  6. "Its not a virus...its a STD(System Transmitted Disease)."

  7. "Remember Einstein, its point then click, point then click."

  8. "That General Protection Fault is not yours."

  9. "You're using MS Word 5.0 and that's a weenie version so why don't I upgrade you for free?"

  10. "I hate to tell you this but you have already seen that version of the Pamela Anderson video... may I suggest another?"

don't say to security
 
 
The Top 10 Things You Should Not Say To A Security Guard When Caught Stealing Coins From A Mall Fountain

  1. "Isn't there a robbery at the Orange Julius you should be investigating?"

  2. I'm searching for a hard to find 1998 nickel."

  3. "DUH!! The Gap is having a sale!"

  4. "Did you know that it now costs 35 cents to make a phone call?"

  5. "Thanks idiot...I had just made a wish that I could clean the fountain out and not get caught! Way to ruin that wish!!"

  6. "Have you seen that really cool gumball machine in the food court? It rolls down a spiral ramp!"

  7. "I'm at the last level of Mortal Kombat IV and I need another quarter."

  8. "I'm trying to match the exact amount of your worthless paycheck you Barney Fife wannabe!"

  9. "See..I need a quarter to make a phone call to my Kleptomaniacs Anonymous sponsor and that's why I'm stealing the quarters in the fountain. I NEED HELP MAN!!!"

  10. "Ummmm...I'm looking for beer money?"

checking the salad bar
 
 
The Top 10 Things To Check The Salad Bar Before You Load Your Plate Up

  1. Anything that's moving.

  2. Green Carrots.

  3. Moldy Croutons.

  4. Body parts.

  5. Blood in the French Dressing.

  6. A cucumber slice with a bite out of it.

  7. I've seen the movie...they could be there so watch out for Killer Tomatoes!!!

  8. Lettuce that closely resembles Astroturf.

  9. How should I put this...let's just that the sneeze guard didn't do its job and there's something phlegm related in the radishes.

  10. The body of Harold, the dim-witted drive thru clerk who kept messing up orders, under the ice on the bar.


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