you're no longer cool
You Are No Longer "Cool" When
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- You find yourself listening to talk radio.
- You daughter says she got pierced and you look at her ears.
- The pattern on your shorts and couch match.
- You fondly remember your powder blue leisure suit.
- You think Tragically Hip is when a middle-aged man gets a new sports car, hair piece and a 20 year old girlfriend.
- You criticize the kids of today for their satanic suicide-inducing music, forgetting that you rocked to Alice Cooper and Black Sabbath.
- You call the police on a noisy party next door instead of grabbing beer and joining it.
- You turn down free tickets to a rock concert because you have to work the next day.
- When grass is something that you cut, not cultivate.
- When jogging is something you do to your memory.
- Getting a little action means your prune juice is working.
- All the cars behind you flash their headlights.
- You remember the "Rolling Stones" as a rock group not a corporation.
- You bought your first car for the same price you paid for your son's new running shoes.
- You actually ASK for your father's advice.
- You don't know how to operate a fax machine.
- When someone mentions SURFING you picture waves and a surf board.
bad to hear in surgery
Things you don't want to hear during surgery:
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- Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
- "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness."
- Bo! Bo! Come back with that. Bad dog!
- Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
- Hand me that... uh... that uh... that thingy there.
- Oh no! Where's my Rolex.
- Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived from 500 ml of this stuff before?
- There go the lights again?
- "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys? and this guy's got two of 'em."
- Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
- Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing off my concentration.
- What's this doing here?
- I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.
- That's cool. Now can you make his leg twitch by pressing that one?!
- Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
- Sterile schmerile. The floor's clean, right?
- OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
- This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
- Nurse, did this patient sign an organ donation card?
- Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
- What do you mean "You want a divorce?!?"
- FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!
- Oh no! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
adults learn from kids
Things Adults Learn From Kids:
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- There is no such thing as child-proofing your house.
- If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
- A 4 years-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
- 4 If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape.
- It is strong enough however to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.
- Baseballs make marks on ceilings.
- You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
- When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.
- A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
- The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
- When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh;" it's already too late.
- Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
- A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
- A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
- If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak - it explodes.
- A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep.
- Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.
- Duplos will not.
- Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
- Super glue is forever.
- McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know.
- Ditto Tarzan.
- No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
- Pool filters do not like Jello.
- VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
- Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
- Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
- You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
- Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
- Plastic toys do not like ovens.
- The fire department in San Diego has at least a 5 minute response time.
- The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.
- It will however make cats dizzy.
- Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
- Quiet does not necessarily mean don't worry.
- A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (unfortunately, mostly in retrospect).
signs of the 2000's
Signs Of The 2000's
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- Before you criticize someone walk a mile in their shoes. That way if they get angry they'll be a mile away -- and barefoot.
- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
- If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
- My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
- Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
- It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
- I have found at my age going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of my face.
- For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
- Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
- A closed mouth gathers no feet.
- If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
- Always yield to temptation, because it may not pass your way again.
- Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
- A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
- Eat well - stay fit - die anyway.
- Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
- No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
- A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
- Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
- Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
- Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.
- There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
- Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
- Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.
- Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
- By the time you can make ends meet they move the ends.
- Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
- Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
- I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm in the bathroom.
- Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
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