top ten lists

The AOL Car

1. The AOL car would have a TOP speed of 40 MPH yet have a 200 MPH speedometer.
   
   
2. The AOL car would come equipped with a NEW and fantastic 8-Track tape player.
   
   
3. The car would often refuse to start and owners would just expect this and try again later.
   
   
4. The windshield would have an extra dark tint to protect the driver from seeing better cars.
   
   
5. AOL would sell the same model car year after year and claim it's the NEW model.
   
   
6. Every now and then the brakes on the AOL car would just "lock-up" for no apparent reason.
   
   
7. The AOL car would have a very plain body style but would have lots'a pretty colors and lights.
   
   
8. The AOL car would have only one door but it would have 5 extra seats for family members.
   
   
9. Anyone dissatisfied could return the car but must continue to make payments for 6 months.
   
   
10. If an AOL car owner received 3 parking tickets AOL would take the car off of them.
    
    
11. The AOL car would have an AOL Cell phone that can only place calls to other AOL car cell phones.
    
    
12. AOL would pass a new car law forbidding AOL car owners from driving near other car dealerships.
    
    
13. AOL car mechanics would have no experience in car repair.
    
    
14. Younger AOL car drivers would be able to make other peoples AOL cars stall just for fun.
    
    
15. It would not be possible to upgrade your AOL car stereo.
    
    
16. AOL cars would be forced to use AOL gas that cost 20% more and gave worse mileage.
    
    
17. Anytime an AOL car owner saw another AOL car owner he would wonder, M/F/age?
    
    
18. It would be common for AOL car owners to divorce just to marry another AOL car owner.
    
    
19. AOL car owners would always claim to be older or younger than they really are.
    
    
20. AOL cars would come with a steering wheel and AOL would claim no other cars have them.
    
    
21. Every time you close the door on the AOL car it would say, "Good-Bye."
    
    

The Top Signs That Your Net Relationship Is Over

1. All of a sudden, she's typing in a different font.
   
   
2. Instead of hearing that lovely "You've Got Mail" statement when you use America OnLine, you hear "You Just Got Dumped!"
   
   
3. Your connection to his server is constantly refused.
   
   
4. You get a Dear John E-mai...Your name is Fred.
   
   
5. They no longer have access to a computer due to a recent parole.
   
   
6. She starts ending each sentence with only 1 exclamation mark instead of the usual 3!!!
   
   
7. She tells you that she's been working a lot. You think its a professional job; it turns out that she was responsible for the decorations at her Jr High prom!!
   
   
8. During an intimate moment in a chat room, she reveals herself to be GRANDMA!!
   
   

10. I stopped caring about anniversaries when you stopped caring about cooking.

9. Today is our what?

8. Okay, let's celebrate, but do we have to celebrate together?

7. I thought we only celebrated important events?

6. You can celebrate anniversaries with your next husband.

5. You don't like what I pick out, so I thought why bother.

4. I got you a present worth a dollar for every time you were nice to me this year. Here's a $5 gift certificate for McDonald's.

3. If you want me to pretend like I care about our anniversary, I will.

2. You want to go out to dinner? Okay, okay, I'll take you to Pizza Hut if it'll shut ya up.

1. I thought you only had to celebrate anniversaries while you were still in love.

Things Adults Learn From Kids:

1. There is no such thing as child-proofing your house.
   
   
2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
   
   
3. A 4 years-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
   
   
4. 4 If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape.
   
   
5. It is strong enough however to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.
   
   
6. Baseballs make marks on ceilings.
   
   
7. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
   
   
8. When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.
   
   
9. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
   
   
10. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
    
    
11. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh;" it's already too late.
    
    
12. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
    
    
13. A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
    
    
14. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
    
    
15. If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak - it explodes.
    
    
16. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep.
    
    
17. Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.
    
    
18. Duplos will not.
    
    
19. Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
    
    
20. Super glue is forever.
    
    
21. McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know.
    
    
22. Ditto Tarzan.
    
    
23. No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
    
    
24. Pool filters do not like Jello.
    
    
25. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
    
    
26. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
    
    
27. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
    
    
28. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
    
    
29. Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
    
    
30. Plastic toys do not like ovens.
    
    
31. The fire department in San Diego has at least a 5 minute response time.
    
    
32. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.
    
    
33. It will however make cats dizzy.
    
    
34. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
    
    
35. Quiet does not necessarily mean don't worry.
    
    
36. A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (unfortunately, mostly in retrospect).