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if _____ made toasters
 
 
If Oracle made toasters... They'd claim their toaster was compatible with all brands and styles of bread, but when you got it home you'd discover the Bagel Engine was still in development, the Croissant Extension was three years away and that, indeed, the whole appliance was just blowing smoke.

If Hewlett-Packard made toasters... They would market the Reverse Toaster, which takes in toast and gives you regular bread.

If IBM made toasters... They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters.

If Xerox made toasters... You could toast one-sided or double-sided. Successive slices would get lighter and lighter. The toaster would jam your bread for you.

If Radio Shack made toasters... The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it. Or you could buy all the parts to build your own toaster.

If Thinking Machines made toasters... You would be able to toast 64,000 pieces of bread at the same time.

If Cray made toasters... They would cost $16 million but would be faster than any other single-slice toaster in the world.

If the Rand Corporation made toasters... It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black cube. Every morning there would be a piece of toast on top of it. Their service department would have an unlisted phone number and the blueprints for the box would be highly classified government documents. The X-Files would have an episode about it.

If the NSA made toasters... Your toaster would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could access in case they needed to get at your toast for reasons of national security.

If Sony made toasters... The ToastMan, which would be barely larger than the single piece of bread it is meant to toast, can be conveniently attached to your belt.

If Timex made toasters... They would be cheap and small quartz-crystal wrist toasters that take a licking and keep on toasting.

If Fisher Price made toasters... 'Baby's First Toaster' would have a hand-crank that you turn to toast the bread that pops up like a jack-in-the-box.

If Microsoft made toasters... Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd still have to pay for it anyway. Toaster '02 would weigh 15,000 pounds (requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that lets you control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the good bread only works with their toasters.

If Apple made toasters... It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but five years earlier.

how to be annoying in the computer lab
 
 
  • Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream, "Oh my God! They've found me!" and bolt.
  • Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes and then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.
  • When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can't get the darned thing to work. After he/she's turned it on, wait 5 minutes, turn it off again, and repeat the process for a good half hour.
  • Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly.
  • Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to a different screen than the one it's set up with.
  • Write a program that plays the "Pokemon" theme song and play it at the highest volume possible over and over again.
  • Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.
  • Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon files.
  • Use AIM to make passes at people you don't know.
  • Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on.
  • Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say, "Just in case..." mysteriously.
  • Type on VAX for awhile. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes about everything bad about your life. Then stop and continue typing.
  • Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if they're crazy while typing.
  • Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal before starting.
  • Ask around for a spare zip disk. Offer $1. Keep asking until someone agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say, "Oops. Forgot."
  • Every time you press return and there is processing time required, pray, "Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease," and scream "YES!" when it finishes.
  • "Disk fight!"
  • Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you, whether you know them or not.
  • Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by hitting the keys with the straw.
  • If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing "The Thong Song" whenever there is processing time required.
  • Draw a picture of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper and tape it to your monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then complain loudly that women (men) are worthless.
  • Try to stick a Nintendo cartridge in the disk drive. When it doesn't work, get the supervisor.
  • When you start up a PC, ask loudly where the smiling Apple face is.
  • Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when it's all done (two days later) say that all you wanted was a line or two.
  • Sit and stare at the screen, chomping on your nails. After doing this for a while, spit them out at the feet of the person next to you.
  • Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the person next to you. Repeat procedure, making sure you never provoke the person enough to let them blow up, as this releases tension, and it is far more effective to let them linger.
  • If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split ends, cut them, and deposit them on your neighbor's keyboard as you leave.
  • Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British royal family on your desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you.
  • Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and place them on top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and drape them around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic beauty of cotton on plastic.
  • Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad working conditions.
  • Laugh hysterically, shout "You will all perish in a great flood" and continue working.
  • Bring some dry ice and make it look like the computer is smoking.
  • Assign a musical note to every key (ex. the delete key is A flat). Whenever you hit a key, hum its note loudly. Write an entire paper this way.
  • Attempt to eat your computer mouse.
  • Borrow someone else's keyboard by reaching over, saying "Excuse me, mind if I borrow this for a sec?" unplugging the keyboard, and taking it.
  • Bring in a bunch of magnets and have a ball.
  • When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the old ways are best.
  • Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab.
  • Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again until you see that your neighbor is noticing. Then look at your neighbor's keyboard. Hit his/her delete key several times, erasing an entire word. While you do this, ask: "Does your delete key work?" Shake your head, and resume hitting the space bar on your keyboard. Keep doing this until you've deleted about a page of your neighbor's document. Then, suddenly exclaim: "Well, whaddya know? I've been hitting the space bar this whole time. No wonder it wasn't deleting! Ha!" Print out your document and leave.
  • Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab monitor and complain that your computer ate your disk. (For special effects, put some glue on or around the disk drive. Claim that the computer is drooling.)
  • Stare at your neighbor's screen, look really puzzled, burst out laughing and say "You did that?" loudly. Keep laughing, grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go.
  • Point at the screen. Chant in a made-up language while making elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the mouse, then leap back and yell, "COVEEEEERRRRR!" Peek up from under the table, walk back to the computer and say "Oh, good. It worked this time," and calmly start to type again.
  • Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them.
  • See who's online. Send a total stranger a talk request. Talk to them like you've known them all your lives. Hang up before they get a chance to figure out you're a total stranger.
  • Bring a small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound effects. Pretend it's the computer and look really lost.
  • Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the lead doesn't work.
  • Come into the computer lab wearing several extra-stinky species of flowers in your hair. Smile incessantly. Type a sentence, then laugh happily exclaim, "You're such a marvel!" and kiss the screen. Repeat this after every sentence. As your ecstasy mounts, also hug the keyboard. Finally, hug your neighbor, the computer assistant, and then walk out.
  • Run into the computer lab, shout, "The Apocalypse is here!" then calmly sit down and begin to type.
  • Quietly walk into the computer lab with a Black and Decker chainsaw, rev 'er up, and then walk up to the nearest person and say, "Give me that computer or you'll be feeding my pet crocodile for the next week."
  • Two words: Tesla Coil.
    • little voice
     
     
    A man was mowing his lawn when he heard his neighbor, who happened to be a blonde, come out of her house. She opened her mailbox, looked inside and slammed it shut. She stomped her foot and went back inside. The man thought 'how weird.'

    A few minutes passed and sure enough, the blonde came out of her house again, checked her mail box, stamped her foot and went back inside. The man stopped mowing and checked her mailbox to see what was so wrong with it. After seeing nothing, he went back to mowing just shrugging his shoulders.

    As soon as he heard her coming out again, he shut off his mowing machine and went up to her. 'What in the world are you doing, coming out here every five minutes?'

    The blonde looked up at the man and said, 'Well, you see, there's this little voice in my house that keeps on saying, 'You've got mail,' but when I come out here to check, I don't have any.'

    celebrity computer viruses
     
     

    Monica Lewinsky virus: Sucks all the memory out of your computer.

    Ronald Reagan virus: Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.

    Mike Tyson virus: Quits after one byte.

    Oprah Winfrey virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB.

    Lorena Bobbit virus: Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy.

    Dr. Jack Kevorkian virus: Searches your hard drive for old files and deletes them.

    Ellen Degeneres virus: Your IBM suddenly claims it's a MAC.

    Titanic virus: Makes your whole computer go down.

    Disney virus: Everything in the computer goes Goofy.

    Prozac virus: Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care.

    Sharon Stone virus: Makes a huge initial impact, then you forget it's there.

    Tim Allen virus: Appears helpful, only to destroy your hard drive upon contact.

    HBO virus: Runs the same programs over and over, week after week after week.

    Woody Allen virus: Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card.

    NFL Blackout virus: Will only let you run progams on a remote terminal that's more than 75 miles away.

    Linda Tripp virus: Makes copies of your personal files and forwards them to the authorities.

    Bill Clinton virus: Won't let you query the system for information.

    Rush Limbaugh virus: Biases everything to the right.

    Ken Starr virus: Expands a focused search of a specific file into a global interregation of every existing file. Creates links between unrelated data. Works extremely slow while searching and compiling results.

    Al Gore virus: Runs quietly in background mode but doesn't appear to really do much of anything.

    Saddam Hussein virus: Won't let you into any of your programs.

    Tonya Harding virus: Turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons.

    George Michael virus: Runs its course, occasionally releasing excess data buildup.

    Joey Buttafuoco virus: Only attacks minor files.

    Jerry Seinfeld virus: Program about nothing that exits when you're really enjoying it.

    David Caruso NYPD Blue virus: After running successfully for a while, it exits the program it was in and never works again.

    Pee Wee Herman virus: Exposes your confidential files to everyone.

    X-files virus: All your Icons start shape shifting.

    Spice Girl virus: Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop.

    AT&T virus: Every 3 minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

    Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.


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