silly jokes

I don't think these photographs you've taken do me justice. You don't want justice - you want mercy!

What steps would you take if a madman came rushing at you with a knife?
Great big ones!

Who was the world's greatest thief?
Atlas, because he held up the whole world!

How was the Roman Empire cut in half?
With a pair of Caesars!

If two's company and three a crowd, what are four and five?
Nine!

What is it that even the most careful person overlooks?
His nose!

Mr Smith: I hate to tell you, but your wife just fell down the wishing well.
Mr Brown: It works!

What do you call an American drawing?
Yankee doodle!

I was once in a play called "Breakfast in Bed"
Did you have a big role?
No just toast and marmalade!

What key went to college?
Yale!

What is a volcano?
A mountain with hiccups!

Why was the broom late?
It over slept!

What runs but never walks?
Water!

What is green, four legs and two trunks?
Two seasick tourists!

Who is in cowboy films and always broke?
Skint Eastwood!

Who is the biggest gangster in the sea?
Al Caprawn!

What do you get if you cross a nun and a chicken?
A pecking order!

Why did the silly kid stand on his head?
His feet were tired!

What does one star say to another star when they meet?
Glad to meteor!

Were you long in the hospital?
No, I was the same size that I am now!

How did the farmer fix his jeans?
With a cabbage patch!

What stories do the ship captain's children like to hear?
Ferry tales!

Why did Robin Hood only steal from the rich?
Because the poor have nothing worth taking!

Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8!

What's an insect's favourite sport?
Cricket!

What kind of car does Mickey Mouse's wife drive?
A minnie van!

Is this a second hand shop?
Yes Sir Good. Can you fit one to my watch then please!

How did Noah see the animals in the Ark at night?
By flood lighting!