science jokes

Away in a Test Tube
(Melody: "Away in a Manger")

Away in a test tube
My plague cultures grow
On nutrient agar
Mankind's greatest foe

It's easy to grow them
If one does it right
At thirty-five Celsius
All day and all night

Once they are ready
You can let them go
To sicken the masses
With pus-filled buboes.

Oh Cesium
(Tune, Oh Christmas tree)

Oh Cesium, oh Cesium,
Thy spectrum doth us please-ium.
Thy sky-blue lines in plasma's fire,
Do dreams of icy lakes inspire.
Oh Cesium, oh Cesium,
Thy spectrum doth us please-ium.

Oh Cesium, oh Cesium,
When held, you never freeze-ium.
Thy gently smoking silver spheres,
When dropped in water, please the ears.
Oh Cesium, oh Cesium,
When held, you never freeze-ium.

Oh Cesium, oh Cesium,
You put us at our ease-ium.
You tend the seconds of the day,
So that our watches never stray
Oh Cesium, oh Cesium,
You put us at our ease-ium.

---Songs of Cesium #34

I Wish I had a Pound

Oh I wish I had a pound of cesium.
Oh I wish I had a pound of cesium.
I would take it in the shower,
And I'd glory in its power.
Oh I wish I had a pound of cesium.

---Songs of Cesium #111

Cesium

Cesium, 'tis of thee,
Thy 'positivity,
Of thee I sing.
Thou whose hydroxide, dis-
solved my wife when she died,
Glorious too, for suicide,
Here, death, is thy sting.

---Songs of Cesium #65