Religion

The privacy partition in the confessional booth slides and an excited voice bursts through the screen: "Father, I gotta tell you what happened to me last night. I'm 90 years old, and I made love to two 18 year old women for eight hours last night!"
The stunned priest, replies incredulously, "you did WHAT!"
"I said, I'm 90 years old, and I made love to two eighteen year old women last night for eight hours."
The stern father replies, "boy, I've been waiting all my life for a guy like you. I'm gonna give you a penance like you'll never forget."
To which the voice replies, "Father, you can't give me a penance."
"Why not?" asks the man of the cloth.
"Because I'm Jewish," claims the voice.
The perplexed Father asks, "then why are you telling me?"
"I'm telling everyone!"

1) Chest Trays

2) NFRU (Not for Recreational Use)

3) Pastor Baiters

4) Mounds of Shame

5) Heavenly Canteens

6) Pearly Weights

7) Hooteronomies

8) Pizza Pizza

9) Sweater Undulations

10) The Daughters of Lactiticus

11) Racks of Lambs of God

12) Communion Woofers

13) First and Second Mammalonians

14) Pamela's Burdens

15) Beelzeboobs

Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the Gates, St. Peter greets Ford, and tells him, 'Well, you've been such a good guy, and your invention ... the assembly line for the automobile changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone in Heaven you want.' Ford thinks to himself about it, and says, 'I want to hang out with God Himself.'

The befuddled St. Peter takes Ford to the Throne Room, and introduces him to God. Ford then asks God, 'When you invented Woman, what were you thinking?' God asks, 'What do you mean?' 'Well,' says Ford, 'You have some major design flaws in your invention:

1. There's too much front end protusion.
2. It chatters way too much at high speeds.
3. Maintenance is extremely high.
4. It constantly need repainting, and refinishing.
5. It is out of commission at least 5 or 6 of every 28 days.
6. The rear end wobbles too much.
7. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust.
8. The headlights are usually too small.
9. fuel consumption is outrageous.

...just to name a few.' 'Hmmm ...,' replies God, 'Hold on a minute.' God goes over to the Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the results. In no time the computer prints out a report, and God reads it. God then turns to Ford, and says, 'It may be that my invention is flawed, but according to these statistics, more men are riding my invention than yours."

One night a robber broke into a home and heard a voice say, 'Jesus is watching you!'while he rumagged through the desk. He replied, 'Who said that?!' Once again he heard the same thing, 'Jesus is watching you!'

The robber looked around the room only to see a parrot. He asked the parrot what its name was. The parrot replied, 'Cornelius.' The robber said, 'What kind of a name is that?! Who names a parrot that?!' The parrot said, 'The same person who named that rottweiler behind you Jesus!'