Religion

There was this man who really had to go to the bathroom. He went to the nearest house, which happened to be the home of a monk and asked, 'Can I please use the bathroom?' The monk told him he could, so he went in. When he was in the bathroom he heard this clink, clink, clink. When he was finished he went to the monk and asked, 'What was that noise I heard in the bathroom?' The monk said, 'I can't tell you, you're not a monk. You have to go to Italy for two years.'

So the man went to Italy for two years and then came back and asked the monk again what the noise was. The monk said, 'I can't tell you, you're not a high monk. You have to go to Italy for three years.' So the man went, came back and then asked the monk again what the noise was. Again the monk said, 'I can't tell you, you're not a king monk. You have to go to Italy for four years.' So the man went, came back and once more asked the monk.

And the monk said, "The pipes bang sometimes. Aren't I a passive aggressive sadist for not just telling you that in the first place? And aren't you a sorry-assed sucker for jumping through my retarded hoops?"

Bush is my shepherd I shall not lie
He leadeth me beside the still farms and small towns.
He restoreth my doubt in the Repulican party
He guideth me down the path of untold debt for the party's sake.

My wages he will freeze but my expenses runneth over my income.
He cuteth taxes for the wealthiest surely.
Poverty and hard living shall follow the Republican party
and I shall live in a rented house forever.

5,000 years ago, Moses said:
"Park your camel, pick up your shovel, mount your ass,
and I will lead you to the promised land."

5,000 years later, Franklin D. Roosevelt said:
"Lay down your shovel, sit on your ass, light up a camel
this is the promised land."

Today, Bush will steal your shovel, sell your camel, kick your ass,
and tell you know there is no promised land.

I am glad I am an American and I am glad that I am free
but I wish I were a little dog and bush were a tree.

Due to widespread panic about the Y2K bug, Internet News has obtained an EXCLUSIVE interview with the one person most to blame for the situation.

Internet News: We have as our guest today the man whose birthday is the cause of the Y2K predicament, Jesus Christ. What do you have to say for yourself, Jesus?

Jesus Christ: First, let me say that I was terribly flattered to have my birthday turned into the starting date for your calendar.

IN: But isn't it true that your birthday was already being celebrated on December 25th? How is it that our calendar dates from your birthday but January 1st was chosen?

JC: Oh, just a fluke, really. Neither date is correct. It always struck me as funny that, December 25th or January 1st, you choose to celebrate it in the middle of winter. I mean, the shepherds weren't exactly "keeping watch over their flocks by night" in the open fields during winter, were they?

IN: No, I guess they weren't. So, when exactly were you born?

JC: December 28th.

IN: But...

JC: Just kidding. If I told you when I was really born, you would just make another holiday out of it and I think that two birthdays a year are more than enough.

IN: But it will be 2,000 years from the year you were born, right?

JC: That's another thing. There is no year "0" partly because the ancients had no concept of it mathematic-ally but mostly because of all the arguments about whether it would be 0 AD or 0 BC. It became sort of a Y-zero-K situation, so they decided to skip it altogether. One year after 1 BC became 1 AD.

IN: So, year 2000 will actually be your 1,999th birthday.

JC: Well, not exactly. The monk who came up with your calendar used a calculation process called Pentiumnus Calculus to get the starting date. It was close but 5 years off so my human nature is going to be 2,005 years old in the year 2000.

IN: So I guess the whole Y2K problem isn't your fault after all since you were actually born in 5 BC?

JC: 6 BC. Remember to skip year "0".

IN: Ah, yes, sorry. Happy belated birthday, by the way. So, what's in store for the world when the big Y2K hits?

JC: I'm sorry, but I'm not supposed to talk about that. My Father made me promise not to divulge any future events.

IN: Do you think the monk foresaw that we would invent computers just in time for the year 2000 to be a problem?

JC: Perhaps you should interview him. Go easy on him, though. If he had done his calculations right, you'd all be...oops. Almost let that slip.

IN: So, umm, I understand you have a book to plug.

JC: Actually, the Bible has been out for quite a while. I won't ask people to go out and buy a copy since pretty much everyone has one.

IN: And this is Internet News, signing off.

What goes black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white?

A nun falling down the stairs.