Religion

Internet News: We have as our guest today the man whose birthday is the cause of the Y2K predicament, Jesus Christ. What do you have to say for yourself, Jesus?

Jesus Christ: First, let me say that I was terribly flattered to have my birthday turned into the starting date for your calendar.

IN: But isn't it true that your birthday was already being celebrated on December 25th? How is it that our calendar dates from your birthday but January 1st was chosen?

JC: Oh, just a fluke, really. Neither date is correct. It always struck me as funny that, December 25th or January 1st, you choose to celebrate it in the middle of winter. I mean, the shepherds weren't exactly "keeping watch over their flocks by night" in the open fields during winter, were they?

IN: No, I guess they weren't. So, when exactly were you born?

JC: December 28th.

IN: But...

JC: Just kidding. If I told you when I was really born, you would just make another holiday out of it and I think that two birthdays a year are more than enough.

IN: But it will be 2,000 years from the year you were born, right?

JC: That's another thing. There is no year "0" partly because the ancients had no concept of it mathematic-ally but mostly because of all the arguments about whether it would be 0 AD or 0 BC. It became sort of a Y-zero-K situation, so they decided to skip it altogether. One year after 1 BC became 1 AD.

IN: So, year 2000 will actually be your 1,999th birthday.

JC: Well, not exactly. The monk who came up with your calendar used a calculation process called Pentiumnus Calculus to get the starting date. It was close but 5 years off so my human nature is going to be 2,005 years old in the year 2000.

IN: So I guess the whole Y2K problem isn't your fault after all since you were actually born in 5 BC?

JC: 6 BC. Remember to skip year "0".

IN: Ah, yes, sorry. Happy belated birthday, by the way. So, what's in store for the world when the big Y2K hits?

JC: I'm sorry, but I'm not supposed to talk about that. My Father made me promise not to divulge any future events.

IN: Do you think the monk foresaw that we would invent computers just in time for the year 2000 to be a problem?

JC: Perhaps you should interview him. Go easy on him, though. If he had done his calculations right, you'd all be...oops. Almost let that slip.

IN: So, umm, I understand you have a book to plug.

JC: Actually, the Bible has been out for quite a while. I won't ask people to go out and buy a copy since pretty much everyone has one.

IN: And this is Internet News, signing off.

A nun falling down the stairs.

• JESUS is the Lord's shepherd. ELVIS dated Cybill Shepherd.
• JESUS was a carpenter. ELVIS' favorite high school class was wood shop.
• JESUS was part of the Trinity. ELVIS' very first band was a trio.
• JESUS' entourage, the Apostles, had 12 members. ELVIS' entourage, the Memphis Mafia, had 12 members.
• JESUS is a Capricorn. (December 25) ELVIS is a Capricorn. (January 8)
• JESUS was the lamb of God. ELVIS had mutton chop sideburns.
• JESUS' Father is everywhere. ELVIS' father was a drifter, and moved around quite a bit.
• JESUS said, "If any man thirst, let him come unto me, and drink."  (John 7:37) ELVIS said, "Drinks on me!" (Jailhouse Rock, MGM:1957)
• JESUS fasted for 40 days and nights. ELVIS had irregular eating habits. (eg: 5 banana splits for breakfast)
• JESUS said: "Man shall not live by bread alone." ELVIS liked his sandwiches with peanut butter and bananas.
• "[JESUS'] countenance was like lightning, and his raiment white as snow." (Matthew 28:3)  ELVIS wore snow-white jumpsuits with lightning bolts.
• JESUS said: "Love thy neighbor." (Matthew 22:39) ELVIS said: "Don't be cruel." (RCA 1956)
• JESUS walked on water. (Matthew 14:25) ELVIS surfed on water.  (Blue Hawaii, Paramount:1965)
• JESUS H. CHRIST has 12 letters. ELVIS PRESLEY has 12 letters.
• JESUS had his famous Resurrection. ELVIS had the famous 1968 "comeback" TV special.
• JESUS lived in a state of grace, in a Near Eastern land. ELVIS lived in Graceland, in a nearly eastern state.

He now goes by Kareem of Wheat.