the office happenings
Quote from a recent meeting: "We are going to continue having these meetings, everyday, until I find out why no work is getting done".
Quote from the Boss... "I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you."
A motivational sign at work: The beatings will continue until morale improves. A direct quote from the Boss: "We passed over a lot of good people to get the ones we hired."
My Boss frequently gets lost in thought. That's because it's unfamiliar territory.
My Boss said to me " What you see as a glass ceiling, I see as a protective barrier.
My Boss needs a surge protector. That way his mouth would be buffered from surprise spikes in his brain.
I thought my Boss was an idiot, and quit, to work for myself. My new Boss is an idiot, too ... but at least I respect him.
He's given automobile accident victims new hope for recovery. He walks, talks and performs rudimentary tasks, all without the benefit of a SPINE.
Some people climb the ladder of success. My Boss walked under it.
Quote from the Boss after overriding the decision of a task force he created to find a solution: " I'm sorry if I ever gave you the impression your input would have any effect on my decision for the outcome of this project!"
HR Manager to job candidate "I see you've had no computer training. Although that qualifies you for upper management, it means you're under-qualified for our entry level positions."
Quote from telephone inquiry "We're only hiring one summer intern this year and we won't start interviewing candidates for that position until the Boss' daughter finishes her summer classes.
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Quote from the Boss... "I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you."
A motivational sign at work: The beatings will continue until morale improves. A direct quote from the Boss: "We passed over a lot of good people to get the ones we hired."
My Boss frequently gets lost in thought. That's because it's unfamiliar territory.
My Boss said to me " What you see as a glass ceiling, I see as a protective barrier.
My Boss needs a surge protector. That way his mouth would be buffered from surprise spikes in his brain.
I thought my Boss was an idiot, and quit, to work for myself. My new Boss is an idiot, too ... but at least I respect him.
He's given automobile accident victims new hope for recovery. He walks, talks and performs rudimentary tasks, all without the benefit of a SPINE.
Some people climb the ladder of success. My Boss walked under it.
Quote from the Boss after overriding the decision of a task force he created to find a solution: " I'm sorry if I ever gave you the impression your input would have any effect on my decision for the outcome of this project!"
HR Manager to job candidate "I see you've had no computer training. Although that qualifies you for upper management, it means you're under-qualified for our entry level positions."
Quote from telephone inquiry "We're only hiring one summer intern this year and we won't start interviewing candidates for that position until the Boss' daughter finishes her summer classes.
the job security quiz
The job security quiz will help judge how long you'll end up at your current job and what will become of you.
The boss appears at your cubicle and finds you playing DOOM at your desk, you...
A. Swear to take the game off your hard drive forever, but first make a copy for his kid.
B. Inform him that you're planting a virus in the program so that everyone who plays it on company time will get reported to Human Resources.
C. Tell him that whatever he wants will have to wait until you've finished the level.
There's a cush job opening in the mail department, stuffing envelopes with free samples. It pays twice as much as your current position. What do you do?
A. Meekly suggest to your boss that transferring you might improve the morale of everyone who's been working with you.
B. Politely ask your boss for a transfer and offer to split the salary increase 50/50 with him.
C. Barge into your bosses office and demand reassignment so that you, "Won't have to work under someone who should have retired before he became a laughingstock."
When your boss throws a party and invites everyone in the office except you, what do you do?
A. Stay home and watch 'I Love Lucy' reruns.
B. Show up at the party anyway, with a really expensive bottle of wine and a briefcase full of small, unmarked bills.
C. Go over to your bosses house after everyone has left and throw rocks at the windows, shouting obscenities.
Your boss criticizes your work unjustly; what do you do?
A. Listen politely, and then apologize.
B. Blame someone else.
C. Climb on top of your desk, and hold up a piece of paper on which you've written the word "union."
When the CEO parks his car in your spot, you...
A. Wash and wax it, then leave your business card under the windshield wiper.
B. Key it ... then tell the CEO's secretary you saw your boss near it, loitering suspiciously.
C. Key it ... then proudly tell the CEO's secretary that you did it.
Your boss asks you to play Kooky the Clown for his kid's fifth birthday party, what do you do?
A. Offer to pay for the costume rental and cake, too.
B. Agree to do it, then blackmail a co-worker into doing it while pretending to be you.
C. Agree to do it, then show up as yourself and tell the children that Kooky is dead.
The boss accuses you of not keeping the office clean; you...
A. Clean the office while he supervises.
B. Tell him that you delegated the job, then fire the underling you supposedly gave the job to.
C. Clean the office again, but this time, you use your boss' face.
Scoring this test
Mostly A's: You have nothing to worry about. They'll never fire you because you're a doormat.
Mostly B's: You're not just going to keep your job, with your complete disregard for other peoples feelings, you'll positively shoot up the ladder of success. Congratulations! You're a real jerk.
Mostly C's: You are a career kamikaze. The boss would have fired you long ago, but he's terrified of what you might do.
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The boss appears at your cubicle and finds you playing DOOM at your desk, you...
A. Swear to take the game off your hard drive forever, but first make a copy for his kid.
B. Inform him that you're planting a virus in the program so that everyone who plays it on company time will get reported to Human Resources.
C. Tell him that whatever he wants will have to wait until you've finished the level.
There's a cush job opening in the mail department, stuffing envelopes with free samples. It pays twice as much as your current position. What do you do?
A. Meekly suggest to your boss that transferring you might improve the morale of everyone who's been working with you.
B. Politely ask your boss for a transfer and offer to split the salary increase 50/50 with him.
C. Barge into your bosses office and demand reassignment so that you, "Won't have to work under someone who should have retired before he became a laughingstock."
When your boss throws a party and invites everyone in the office except you, what do you do?
A. Stay home and watch 'I Love Lucy' reruns.
B. Show up at the party anyway, with a really expensive bottle of wine and a briefcase full of small, unmarked bills.
C. Go over to your bosses house after everyone has left and throw rocks at the windows, shouting obscenities.
Your boss criticizes your work unjustly; what do you do?
A. Listen politely, and then apologize.
B. Blame someone else.
C. Climb on top of your desk, and hold up a piece of paper on which you've written the word "union."
When the CEO parks his car in your spot, you...
A. Wash and wax it, then leave your business card under the windshield wiper.
B. Key it ... then tell the CEO's secretary you saw your boss near it, loitering suspiciously.
C. Key it ... then proudly tell the CEO's secretary that you did it.
Your boss asks you to play Kooky the Clown for his kid's fifth birthday party, what do you do?
A. Offer to pay for the costume rental and cake, too.
B. Agree to do it, then blackmail a co-worker into doing it while pretending to be you.
C. Agree to do it, then show up as yourself and tell the children that Kooky is dead.
The boss accuses you of not keeping the office clean; you...
A. Clean the office while he supervises.
B. Tell him that you delegated the job, then fire the underling you supposedly gave the job to.
C. Clean the office again, but this time, you use your boss' face.
Scoring this test
Mostly A's: You have nothing to worry about. They'll never fire you because you're a doormat.
Mostly B's: You're not just going to keep your job, with your complete disregard for other peoples feelings, you'll positively shoot up the ladder of success. Congratulations! You're a real jerk.
Mostly C's: You are a career kamikaze. The boss would have fired you long ago, but he's terrified of what you might do.
pay for your past bills
A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of goods totaling a great deal of money.
The distributor noticed that the previous bill hadn't been paid. The collections manager left a voice-mail for them saying, "We can't ship your new order until you pay for the last one."
The next day the collections manager received a collect phone call, "Please cancel the order. We can't wait that long."
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The distributor noticed that the previous bill hadn't been paid. The collections manager left a voice-mail for them saying, "We can't ship your new order until you pay for the last one."
The next day the collections manager received a collect phone call, "Please cancel the order. We can't wait that long."
quotes of companies
Here are some of the submissions of actual comments, notices, and statements coming out of different companies:
As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning entry; Fred Dales at Microsoft Corporation )
What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter. (Lykes Lines Shipping)
How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff? (Programming intern, Microsoft IIS Development team)
E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business. (Accounting Mgr., Electric Boat Company)
This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it. (Advertising/Mktg. Mgr., UPS)
Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them.(R&D Supervisor, Minnesota Mining & Manufacturing/3M Corp.)
My boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected. (CIO of Dell Computers)
Quote from the boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what 'I' say." (Mktg. executive, Citrix Corporation)
My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said,"That would be better for me." (Shipping Executive, FTD Florists)
We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees. (AT&T Lone Lines Division)
We recently received a memo from senior management saying, This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)
One day my boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (New Business Mgr., Hallmark Cards)
As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo one of the sentences mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR Director's office, and was told that the executive VP wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for "perverts" (pedophiles?) working in her company. Finally he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired, with the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR Manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send to my boss, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later a memo to the entire staff came out, directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation letter by pasting words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation)
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As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning entry; Fred Dales at Microsoft Corporation )
What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter. (Lykes Lines Shipping)
How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff? (Programming intern, Microsoft IIS Development team)
E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business. (Accounting Mgr., Electric Boat Company)
This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it. (Advertising/Mktg. Mgr., UPS)
Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them.(R&D Supervisor, Minnesota Mining & Manufacturing/3M Corp.)
My boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected. (CIO of Dell Computers)
Quote from the boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what 'I' say." (Mktg. executive, Citrix Corporation)
My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said,"That would be better for me." (Shipping Executive, FTD Florists)
We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees. (AT&T Lone Lines Division)
We recently received a memo from senior management saying, This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)
One day my boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (New Business Mgr., Hallmark Cards)
As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo one of the sentences mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR Director's office, and was told that the executive VP wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for "perverts" (pedophiles?) working in her company. Finally he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired, with the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR Manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send to my boss, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later a memo to the entire staff came out, directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation letter by pasting words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation)
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