News And Politics

Angelina Jolie: Puckered squid in mammary sauce on rice cakes.
Ben Affleck: Dense slabs of yellow-flavored cheese and iceberg lettuce on supermarket white bread.
Britney Spears: Pepsi-glazed baby tuna on statutory toast.
Calista Flockhart: Laxative-soaked cotton balls on transparently thin cucumber slices.
Carson Daly: Bubbalicious loaf on lip-glossed sticky buns.
Eminem: Blanched crawdad and collard greens on queer-bash foccacia.
George Clooney: Beaver on rye.
George W Bush: Coca-cured armadillo wrapped in an American flag tortilla.
Gwyneth Paltrow: Steamed chives and a Tic-Tac on fat-free Saltines. bone.
Howard Stern: 1 cocktail weenie and 2 matzo balls in fermented tuna fish pita.
Jackie Chan: Peking duck beaten to pulp and thrown out window of moving truck, pan-friend soft "r's" wrapped in $100 bills.
Jay Leno: Deep-fried headcheese wrapped in a heavily buttered deep dish pizza crust.
Jennifer Aniston: Friendly's fries with peach Pitt gravy on the same tired old roll.
Jerry Seinfeld: Observational gefilte chutney and mullet-shaped mesh of sprouts, served in an acid-washed denim pita.
Jim Carrey: Virginia baked ham and black forest ham, served between two slices of maple cured ham, with ham sauce.
J-Lo: No-fat chorizo with a bling-bling butter and ass-crack soufflé: crust - grandé: (prepared by 12 chefs).
John Malkovich: John Malkovich and John Malkovich on John Malkovich with John Malkovich and John Malkovich.
John Travolta: Grilled space lizard on a $20,000 bun.
Kathie Lee Gifford: Malaysian pre-teen laborer on scallion pancake.
Leonardo DiCaprio: Weathered veal and puffer fish on an oil-drenched croissant.
. Melanie Griffith & Antonio Banderas: Silicone injected pig lips on tobacco paella toast.
Michael Jackson: Flour-drenched pepper steak on Emmanuel Lewis bialy, with Bubbles sauce.
Michael Jordan: Sliced hamlet with basketballs, baseballs, and golf balls (seasonal), on Nike bread.
O.J. Simpson: White meat and blood sausage on a pan-seared Gucci glove. Pam Anderson: Fried mayonnaise tart with a silicone shell.
Richard Gere: Holier-than-thou Tofurky with rainforest lotus blossoms and harmony sauce on I-do-movies-about-gettin'-pussy bread.
Ron Jeremy: Foot-long kielbasa, comes in 1000s of buns.
Shannon Elizabeth: Beer-batter-fried American tomcat pie, stuffed in a cheap thong with garnish.
Tom Cruise: Glistening sausage, firmly wedged between hard buns.
Woody Allen: Egg foo "young" and kosher tongue, served on a toasted plain bagel.

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

Hillary Clinton went for her annual exam. After the exam, the OB-GYN told her that she was pregnant, and in great shape. Hillary couldn't believe the news and stormed out of the office. She rushed to her limo and picked up the phone to call the Oval Office.

"You got me pregnant! How could you be so careless?" There is a silence on the other end. Finally, she hears Bill's voice.

"Who is this?'

When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind," statement but followed it up with several remarks to the other astronauts and Mission Control.

Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark, "Good luck Mr. Gorsky."

Many people at NASA thought it was a remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut.

However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years, many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.

On July 5, 1995 in Tampa, Florida, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26-year-old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.

Armstrong explained, "When I was a kid, I was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. My friend hit a fly ball that landed in the front of his neighbor's bedroom windows. My neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky. As I leaned down to pick up the ball, I heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, "Oral sex! You want oral sex?! You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"