trombone
Q: How do you make a trombone sound like a french horn?
A: Stick your hand in the bell and play lots of wrong notes.
Q: How do you make a french horn sound like a trombone?
A: Take your hand out of the bell and lose all sense of taste.
Q: How do you make a french horn sound like a trombone?
A: Take your hand out of the bell and miss all of the notes.
Q: What's the definition of a gentleman?
A: Somone who knows how to play the trombone and doesn't.
Q: What is the difference between a trombone and a trumpet?
A: A trombone will bend before it breaks.
Q: There is a frog driving east and a trombonist walking west. What can be surmised from this?
A: The frog's probably on its way to a gig.
Orchestral trombonists count so much rest and play so many repeated figures that the sheep story also works.
Trombone: a slide whistle with delusions of granduer.
A: Stick your hand in the bell and play lots of wrong notes.
Q: How do you make a french horn sound like a trombone?
A: Take your hand out of the bell and lose all sense of taste.
Q: How do you make a french horn sound like a trombone?
A: Take your hand out of the bell and miss all of the notes.
Q: What's the definition of a gentleman?
A: Somone who knows how to play the trombone and doesn't.
Q: What is the difference between a trombone and a trumpet?
A: A trombone will bend before it breaks.
Q: There is a frog driving east and a trombonist walking west. What can be surmised from this?
A: The frog's probably on its way to a gig.
Orchestral trombonists count so much rest and play so many repeated figures that the sheep story also works.
Trombone: a slide whistle with delusions of granduer.
trumpet
Q: How many lead trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Fifty. One to do it and the others to stand around and say, "I could do that better.
Q: What do lead trumpet players use for birth control?
A: Their personality.
Q: What is the difference between a trumpet soloist and King Kong?
A: King Kong is more sensitive.
Q: What's the difference between trumpet players and government bonds?
A: Government bonds eventually mature and earn money.
The best recording of the Haydn Trumpet Concerto is Music Minus One.
Q: How to trumpet players traditionally greet each other?
A: "Hi. I'm better than you."
Q: How do you know when a trumpet player is at your door?
A: The doorbell shrieks!
A: Fifty. One to do it and the others to stand around and say, "I could do that better.
Q: What do lead trumpet players use for birth control?
A: Their personality.
Q: What is the difference between a trumpet soloist and King Kong?
A: King Kong is more sensitive.
Q: What's the difference between trumpet players and government bonds?
A: Government bonds eventually mature and earn money.
The best recording of the Haydn Trumpet Concerto is Music Minus One.
Q: How to trumpet players traditionally greet each other?
A: "Hi. I'm better than you."
Q: How do you know when a trumpet player is at your door?
A: The doorbell shrieks!
tuba
Q: What is the range of a tuba?
A: Twenty yards if you've got a good arm.
Q: What's a tuba for?
A: 1 1/2 X 3 1/2.
Q: There are two tubaplayers sitting in a car. Who's driving?
A: The policeman
Tuba Player: Did you hear my last recital?
Friend: I hope so.
Q: How many tuba players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three: one to hold the bulb and two to drink until the room spins.
Q: How do you fix a broken tuba?
A: With a "tuba glue."
A: Twenty yards if you've got a good arm.
Q: What's a tuba for?
A: 1 1/2 X 3 1/2.
Q: There are two tubaplayers sitting in a car. Who's driving?
A: The policeman
Tuba Player: Did you hear my last recital?
Friend: I hope so.
Q: How many tuba players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three: one to hold the bulb and two to drink until the room spins.
Q: How do you fix a broken tuba?
A: With a "tuba glue."
viola
Q: What is a chord?
A: Three violists playing in unison.
Q: What is the best recording of the Walton viola concerto?
A: Music Minus One.
Q: What is the difference between a viola and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes before you jump on the trampoline.
Q: What is the difference between the first and last desk of a viola section?
A: Half a measure.
Q: What is the difference between grapes and a viola?
A: You take off your shoes to stamp on grapes.
Conductor: Again from measure 5, if you please.
Voice from viola section: But Maestro, we have no measure numbers.
Q: What is the difference between a chainsaw and a viola?
A: If you absolutely had to, you could use a chainsaw in a string quartet.
Q: What do you call a person who plays the viola?
A: A violator.
Q: What is the difference between the first and last desk of a viola section?
A: A semi-tone.
Q: Why are violas so large?
A: It is an optical illusion. It's not that the violas are large, just that the viola player's heads are so small.
Q: What do you call the folks who hang around the musicians at conservatories?
A: Violists.
Q: What is the difference between a dog and a viola?
A: The dog knows when to stop scratching.
Q: Why can't you hear a viola on a digital recording?
A: Recording technology has reached such an advanced level of development that all extraneous noise is eliminated.
Q: What is the definition of a major seventh?
A: A violist playing octaves.
Q: How is lightning like a violist's fingers?
A: Neither one strikes in the same place twice.
Q: Which positions does a violist use?
A: First, third, and emergency.
Q: Why are orchestra intermissions only twenty minutes long?
A: So the violists don't need to be retrained.
Q: When a 16-inch viola and a 17-inch viola are dropped simultaneously from a 30-story building, which one hits the pavement first?
A: Who cares!
Q: How do you get a viola section to play spiccato?
A: Write a whole note with "solo" above it. Fight between the musicians At a concert hall one night, the stage manager comes across an oboe player and a viola player having a fight.
He breaks the fight up and asks what the fight was about.
The oboe player says, "He broke my reed! I was just about to play my big solo when he broke my reed!"
"Well?" says the stage manager to the viola player. "What do you say to that?"
In umbrage, the viola player replies, "He undid two of my strings but he won't tell me which ones!" Musicians on a sinking ship A violist and a cellist were standing on a sinking ship together.
"Help!" cried the cellist, "I can't swim!"
"Don't worry," said the violist, "just fake it." Make me a better musician There once was a violist playing in the Winnipeg Symphony. He wasn't that wonderful a player, so he sat at the back of the section. One day, he was cleaning out his attic and discovered an old lamp. He gave it a rub and out popped a genie.
"For letting me out of my lamp, I'll grant you three wishes!" he said.
The violist thought for a moment and replied, "Make me a far better musician than I am now."
The genie told him that this would be done. He was to go to sleep and in the morning, he would be a much better musician. The next day, he woke up to find himself the principal violist of the symphony. Well, this was just great, he thought! But he knew he could do better. He rubbed the lamp again and out popped the genie.
"You have two more wishes!" he said.
"I want you to make me a better musician than I am even now!"
Once again, the genie told him to go to bed and when he woke up, it would be so. When the violist awoke, he found he was now the principal violist of the Berlin Philharmonic. Well, the violist thought this was pretty grand, but knew he could do better yet. He rubbed on the lamp again and once more out came the genie.
"This is your last wish." the genie said.
"I want you to make me yet a better musician still!"
Yet again, he was told to go to sleep. The next morning, he woke up to find himself back in Winnipeg, sitting in the last desk of the second violin section. The insane conductor A violist comes home late at night to discover fire trucks, police cars, and a smoking crater where his house used to be.
The chief of police comes over to him and tells him, "While you were out, the conductor came to your house, killed your family, and burned the house down."
The violist replied, "You're kidding! The conductor came to my house?"
A: Three violists playing in unison.
Q: What is the best recording of the Walton viola concerto?
A: Music Minus One.
Q: What is the difference between a viola and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes before you jump on the trampoline.
Q: What is the difference between the first and last desk of a viola section?
A: Half a measure.
Q: What is the difference between grapes and a viola?
A: You take off your shoes to stamp on grapes.
Conductor: Again from measure 5, if you please.
Voice from viola section: But Maestro, we have no measure numbers.
Q: What is the difference between a chainsaw and a viola?
A: If you absolutely had to, you could use a chainsaw in a string quartet.
Q: What do you call a person who plays the viola?
A: A violator.
Q: What is the difference between the first and last desk of a viola section?
A: A semi-tone.
Q: Why are violas so large?
A: It is an optical illusion. It's not that the violas are large, just that the viola player's heads are so small.
Q: What do you call the folks who hang around the musicians at conservatories?
A: Violists.
Q: What is the difference between a dog and a viola?
A: The dog knows when to stop scratching.
Q: Why can't you hear a viola on a digital recording?
A: Recording technology has reached such an advanced level of development that all extraneous noise is eliminated.
Q: What is the definition of a major seventh?
A: A violist playing octaves.
Q: How is lightning like a violist's fingers?
A: Neither one strikes in the same place twice.
Q: Which positions does a violist use?
A: First, third, and emergency.
Q: Why are orchestra intermissions only twenty minutes long?
A: So the violists don't need to be retrained.
Q: When a 16-inch viola and a 17-inch viola are dropped simultaneously from a 30-story building, which one hits the pavement first?
A: Who cares!
Q: How do you get a viola section to play spiccato?
A: Write a whole note with "solo" above it. Fight between the musicians At a concert hall one night, the stage manager comes across an oboe player and a viola player having a fight.
He breaks the fight up and asks what the fight was about.
The oboe player says, "He broke my reed! I was just about to play my big solo when he broke my reed!"
"Well?" says the stage manager to the viola player. "What do you say to that?"
In umbrage, the viola player replies, "He undid two of my strings but he won't tell me which ones!" Musicians on a sinking ship A violist and a cellist were standing on a sinking ship together.
"Help!" cried the cellist, "I can't swim!"
"Don't worry," said the violist, "just fake it." Make me a better musician There once was a violist playing in the Winnipeg Symphony. He wasn't that wonderful a player, so he sat at the back of the section. One day, he was cleaning out his attic and discovered an old lamp. He gave it a rub and out popped a genie.
"For letting me out of my lamp, I'll grant you three wishes!" he said.
The violist thought for a moment and replied, "Make me a far better musician than I am now."
The genie told him that this would be done. He was to go to sleep and in the morning, he would be a much better musician. The next day, he woke up to find himself the principal violist of the symphony. Well, this was just great, he thought! But he knew he could do better. He rubbed the lamp again and out popped the genie.
"You have two more wishes!" he said.
"I want you to make me a better musician than I am even now!"
Once again, the genie told him to go to bed and when he woke up, it would be so. When the violist awoke, he found he was now the principal violist of the Berlin Philharmonic. Well, the violist thought this was pretty grand, but knew he could do better yet. He rubbed on the lamp again and once more out came the genie.
"This is your last wish." the genie said.
"I want you to make me yet a better musician still!"
Yet again, he was told to go to sleep. The next morning, he woke up to find himself back in Winnipeg, sitting in the last desk of the second violin section. The insane conductor A violist comes home late at night to discover fire trucks, police cars, and a smoking crater where his house used to be.
The chief of police comes over to him and tells him, "While you were out, the conductor came to your house, killed your family, and burned the house down."
The violist replied, "You're kidding! The conductor came to my house?"
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