Medical

This old man in his eighties got up and was putting on his coat.

His wife said, "Where are you going ?"

He said, "I'm going to the doctor."

And she said, "Why? Are you sick?"

"No," he said. "I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills."

So his wife got up out of her rocker and was putting on her sweater and he said, "Where are you going?"

She said, "I'm going to the doctor too."

He said, "Why?"

She said, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing again, I'm  going to get a tetanus shot."

With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole line of drugs oriented towards improving the performance of men in today's society...

DIRECTRA -- a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got lost, compared to a control group of 0.2 percent.

PROJECTRA -- Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.

CHILDAGRA -- Men taking this drug reported a sudden, overwhelming urge to perform more child-care tasks -- especially cleaning up spills and "little" accidents.

COMPLIMENTRA -- In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.

BUYAGRA -- Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts after talking this drug for only two days. Still to be ascertained: Whether the drug can be continued for a period longer than your favorite store's return limit.

NEGA-VIAGRA -- Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently undergoing clinical trials on sitting U.S. presidents.

NEGA-SPORTAGRA -- This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.

FLATULAGRA -- This complex drug converts men's noxious intestinal gases back into food solids. Special bonus: Dosage can be doubled for long car rides.

FLYAGRA -- This drug has been showing great promise in treating men with O.F.D. (Open Fly Disorder). Especially useful for men on Viagra.

PRYAGRA -- About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the test group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other people. Note: Apparent overdose turned three test subjects into "special prosecutors."

LIAGRA -- This drug causes men to be less than truthful when being asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available in Regular, Grand Jury and Presidential Strength versions.

But Doctor, You HAVE To!
In Turkey, Mehmet Esirgen, 52, tried to cure his sexual impotence by having a penis transplant -- using a donkey as the donor. The wire service Agence France-Presse reported that three times Esirgen brought home a donkey, amputated its sexual organs and appealed in vain for a doctor to perform the operation. Apparently the third time so annoyed his family that his son shot him in the leg.

Horse and Druggies
In one of the strangest alliances ever encountered by law enforcement in the Amish community of Pennsylvania, members of the Pagans Motorcycle Club allegedly conspired with some young Amish men to sell "multiple kilograms" of cocaine to Amish youth groups. The drugs were to be sold to the Amish youths during hoedowns. The deals took place in Gap, PA, minutes east of Intercourse, PA.

Combustion
The BBC reported British researchers duplicated and solved the gruesome paranormal mystery of spontaneous human combustion, where bodies burn completely, except for the legs, while nearby furniture remains untouched. After successfully burning a pig carcass they said human fat, ignited by a little as a cigarette, can cause a 'wick effect,' burning for hours and consuming a body like a candle.

Kaleef the Blacksmith Had One Down the Street, Where The Big Hole Is
A second stray U.S. Tomahawk missile was found in Pakistan as that country mounted interview efforts asking citizenry if they've seen any more.

It Only Hurts When I Reboot
In England, Professor Kevin Warwick, head of the University of Reading's Cybernetics Dept, claimed to be the first person in the world to have a computer chip surgically implanted into his body. In a demo, his computer greeted him with “Good morning, Professor Warwick. You have five new E-mails.”

Classy Ending Of the Day
Slovenia's state-run news agency reported on the death of 'passionate' fisherman Franc Filipic, 47, who drowned after hooking a huge lake sheatfish (like a catfish) and refusing to let go as he waded in and was pulled under. Friends reported his last words were 'NOW I've got him!' Divers found his body after a two-day search.

Sticks and Stones...
800 were left injured, 25 critically, at the annual Gotmar festival near Chhindwara in India. A traditional part is where residents from two nearby villages gather on opposite sides of a river to hurl rocks and abuses at each other, before feasting and rejoicing together later. Getting hit is considered a good omen.

Nice Goggles. Designer?
Cadillac will offer a night vision option in its 2000 DeVille. It uses military-like infrared sensors to create a 4-by-10-inch windshield projection just above the steering wheel. Warm objects like people appear white. Auto mag reporters say it works, revealing pedestrians some 200 yards before headlights pick them up.

Naughty Nurses
The United Kingdom Central Council of Nursing, Midwifery and Health sent letters warning 640,000 British nurses to stop using offensive abbreviations in their notes which go into patients' records. Examples include BUNDY (but unfortunately not dead yet), PIN (pain in the neck), and FLK (funny looking kid).

Where IS Everybody? Burp

The state of Illinois will discipline Dr. Bennet Braun, a prominent psychiatrist who they say took repressed-memory therapy too far. Braun convinced Pat Burgus, 42, (who already sued successfully for $10 million) that she possessed 300 personalities, served in a cult, and sexually abused her children (two of whom she was persuaded to hospitalize for three years). Also that she ate human flesh meatloaf made from 2,000 people a year, despite the fact that she lived in a tiny Iowa town.

A woman from Alabama, who knew absolutely nothing about sex, fell in love with a man and agreed to marry him. The honeymoon went well and was great fun, but as soon as she got home, she went to see her doctor to question him on some of the new things she'd seen.

"What can I help you with?' he asked.

'Well first, what is that thing between my husband's legs called?'

'Ma'am,' he answered, 'that there is called a penis.'

'I see,' she said. 'Now what is the big thing on the end of the penis called?'

'Why that there is called the head of the penis.'

'I do declare!' exclaimed the young woman. 'One last question doctor, what are those two big round things about 12 to 14 inches behind the head of the penis?'

'I'm not sure about your husband, ma'am, but on me, they're called the cheeks of my ass!'