Medical

'I was an oncologist—I helped many cancer patients and saved many lives,' the man answered.

'Very well,' said St. Peter. 'You may enter...'

Peter looked at the second man and asked, 'What have you done in your life to deserve admittance into heaven?'

'I was a clinical pediatrician—I helped many poor kids who could not afford private care,' said the second man.

'Very well,' said St. Peter. 'You may enter...'

Peter then turned to the third man and asked, 'And what have YOU done in your life to deserve admittance into heaven?'

'I was the director of a large HMO company in the United States,' the third man said proudly.

St. Peter paused and looked in his book for a few minutes. After a while, he looked up and said to the third man, 'Well, you may enter the Kingdom of Heaven, but you may only stay for three days....'

Trying to read road signs at forty M.P.H.

A: One prick and they're done.

On a plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."

On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."

Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

In a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

Door of a plastic surgeon's office: "We can help you pick your nose!"

On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."

In a non-smoking area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

On a maternity room door: "Push. Push. Push."

At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."