joke collection 66
Q: How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None: "We'll document it in the manual."
Q: How many C programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, they forgot to declare it first.
Q: How long does it take a C programmer to screw in a light bulb?
A: 24 hours--3 minutes to put in the bulb, the rest of the time to compile all the libraries...
Q: How many FORTRAN programs does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 1.00000000001
Q: How many BASIC programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 10 push bulb upwards:twist bulb clockwise 20 goto 10
Q: How many games machine programmers does it take to screw in a light-bulb?
A: One, but he needs the seal of approval from Nintendo before he can put his light-bulb in THEIR socket.
Q: How many Prolog programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: False.
Q: How many neural nets does it take to change a light bulb ?
A: f'(x) = delta Sum log (HOUSE) / d(HOUSE)
A: None: "We'll document it in the manual."
Q: How many C programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, they forgot to declare it first.
Q: How long does it take a C programmer to screw in a light bulb?
A: 24 hours--3 minutes to put in the bulb, the rest of the time to compile all the libraries...
Q: How many FORTRAN programs does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 1.00000000001
Q: How many BASIC programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 10 push bulb upwards:twist bulb clockwise 20 goto 10
Q: How many games machine programmers does it take to screw in a light-bulb?
A: One, but he needs the seal of approval from Nintendo before he can put his light-bulb in THEIR socket.
Q: How many Prolog programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: False.
Q: How many neural nets does it take to change a light bulb ?
A: f'(x) = delta Sum log (HOUSE) / d(HOUSE)
joke collection 67
Q: How many SAS programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: How many?
Q: How many SAS programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It depends : If they are applications programmers, it takes exactly twice as many as are currently available. If they are host programmers, it takes one for each variant of Unix and/or MicroSoft Windows. If they are core programmers, it only takes one. He just holds the bulb to the socket and waits for the world to revolve around him.
Q: How many SAS programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One to analyze the historical failure rates of lightbulbs using PROC LIFEREG, so as to anticipate the failure of the lightbulb before the user actually has to report it, one to explain why SAS is better for changing lightbulbs than S-Plus, SPSS/X, BMDP, SYSTAT, MINITAB or a spreadsheet, one to write a custom interface in AF/SCL allowing the user to manually request the changing of the light bulb after its failure (prematurely) occurs, one to write a report with PROC SQL and PROC REPORT which will summarize the lightbulbs needing to be changed, sorted twelve different ways, cross-indexed (by wattage, type, and prematureness-of-failure) and totaled, one to actually spin the light bulb into the socket using SAS/Insight, one to call Cary to try to get them to explain when a new version of the lightbulb will ship, how much we'll pay to keep using lightbulbs for another year, and what we'll do if our site sends all its lightbulbs to Europe where 120V/60Hz lightbulbs tend to explode upon insertion in 220V/50Hz circuits, one to write an incomprehensible ten line SAS macro program which will perpetually insert new filaments into all mission critical lightbulbs until its author is fired, at which point the SAS macro will automatically encode itself into a copy of the latest SAS/ETS usage notes, one to write a graphical front end to the lightbulb changing process using SAS/EIS, with little speedometers showing the number of lightbulbs changed per hour, so that management can understand why we need to buy bigger lightbulbs, one to prepare a SUGI paper summarizing the entire lightbulb project, taking credit for the design and execution of the lightbulb project itself as well as the invention of the light bulb itself, another one to prepare a second SUGI paper benchmarking lightbulb replacement on twelve different types of light sockets, with separate graphs for florescent and incandescent bulbs (made with SAS/Graph, except for the titling, axes, color, polylines, and background, which were all added manually with Cricket Graph on a Mac), ten to push the dollie loaded with SAS/Lightbulb manuals, *and*, One more to ask SAS-L for help when you really need to change that bulb, NOW.
A: How many?
Q: How many SAS programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It depends : If they are applications programmers, it takes exactly twice as many as are currently available. If they are host programmers, it takes one for each variant of Unix and/or MicroSoft Windows. If they are core programmers, it only takes one. He just holds the bulb to the socket and waits for the world to revolve around him.
Q: How many SAS programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One to analyze the historical failure rates of lightbulbs using PROC LIFEREG, so as to anticipate the failure of the lightbulb before the user actually has to report it, one to explain why SAS is better for changing lightbulbs than S-Plus, SPSS/X, BMDP, SYSTAT, MINITAB or a spreadsheet, one to write a custom interface in AF/SCL allowing the user to manually request the changing of the light bulb after its failure (prematurely) occurs, one to write a report with PROC SQL and PROC REPORT which will summarize the lightbulbs needing to be changed, sorted twelve different ways, cross-indexed (by wattage, type, and prematureness-of-failure) and totaled, one to actually spin the light bulb into the socket using SAS/Insight, one to call Cary to try to get them to explain when a new version of the lightbulb will ship, how much we'll pay to keep using lightbulbs for another year, and what we'll do if our site sends all its lightbulbs to Europe where 120V/60Hz lightbulbs tend to explode upon insertion in 220V/50Hz circuits, one to write an incomprehensible ten line SAS macro program which will perpetually insert new filaments into all mission critical lightbulbs until its author is fired, at which point the SAS macro will automatically encode itself into a copy of the latest SAS/ETS usage notes, one to write a graphical front end to the lightbulb changing process using SAS/EIS, with little speedometers showing the number of lightbulbs changed per hour, so that management can understand why we need to buy bigger lightbulbs, one to prepare a SUGI paper summarizing the entire lightbulb project, taking credit for the design and execution of the lightbulb project itself as well as the invention of the light bulb itself, another one to prepare a second SUGI paper benchmarking lightbulb replacement on twelve different types of light sockets, with separate graphs for florescent and incandescent bulbs (made with SAS/Graph, except for the titling, axes, color, polylines, and background, which were all added manually with Cricket Graph on a Mac), ten to push the dollie loaded with SAS/Lightbulb manuals, *and*, One more to ask SAS-L for help when you really need to change that bulb, NOW.
joke collection 68
Q: How many SAS programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: This can not be computed. Changing light bulbs is a *hardware* problem...
Q: How many SAS programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change the light bulb and one to make sure the stack of manuals doesn't tip over.
Q: How many SAS programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, once the documentation for the procedure is found in one of the 15 manuals on the shelf.
Q: How many SAS programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Well, it depends upon the platform on which one stands!
Q: How many SAS programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Actually none, if you are willing to close your eyes to the (validity of the) output.
Q: How many SAS programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It can't be done yet. "Light bulb" is more than 8 characters long.
Note: SAS is a 4GL. It stands for the Statistical Analysis System and is a huge conglomerate of programs and procedures for doing a wide variety of statistical and semi-statistical analyses (not to mention reporting the results, graphing them, etc.). It is infamous for its huge array of thick manuals which are difficult to wade through, and hence one can spend a lot of time trying to find the tiny feature that will do what you want. Cary is the town in North Carolina where SAS Inc is based, and where SAS support staff are.)
Q: How many database people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three: one to write the light bulb removal program, one to write the light bulb insertion program, and one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the same time.
A: This can not be computed. Changing light bulbs is a *hardware* problem...
Q: How many SAS programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change the light bulb and one to make sure the stack of manuals doesn't tip over.
Q: How many SAS programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, once the documentation for the procedure is found in one of the 15 manuals on the shelf.
Q: How many SAS programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Well, it depends upon the platform on which one stands!
Q: How many SAS programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Actually none, if you are willing to close your eyes to the (validity of the) output.
Q: How many SAS programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It can't be done yet. "Light bulb" is more than 8 characters long.
Note: SAS is a 4GL. It stands for the Statistical Analysis System and is a huge conglomerate of programs and procedures for doing a wide variety of statistical and semi-statistical analyses (not to mention reporting the results, graphing them, etc.). It is infamous for its huge array of thick manuals which are difficult to wade through, and hence one can spend a lot of time trying to find the tiny feature that will do what you want. Cary is the town in North Carolina where SAS Inc is based, and where SAS support staff are.)
Q: How many database people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three: one to write the light bulb removal program, one to write the light bulb insertion program, and one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the same time.
joke collection 69
Q: How many tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None: "The user can work it out."
Q: How many tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Just one, provided there's a programmer around to explain how to do it.
Q: How many tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None: It should be obvious to an intelligent user.
Q: How many Technical Support staff does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: "Well, we have an exact copy of your light bulb here and it seems to be working OK. Can you be more specific about the exact problem ?..."
Q: How many Technical Support staff does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: I'm sorry, we don't support that kind of lighting technology.
Q: How many WordPerfect support technicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: We have an exact copy of the light bulb here, and it seems to be working fine. Can you tell me what kind of system you have? Ok. Now, exactly how dark is it? Ok, there could be four or five things wrong . . . have you tried the light switch?
Q: How many MIS guys does it take to change a light bulb?
A: MIS has received your request concerning your hardware problem, and has assigned your request Service Number 39712. Please use this number for any future reference to this light bulb issue. As soon as a technician becomes available, you will be contacted.
Q: How many first-time computer users does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One, but it takes him three hours and two phone calls to the electrician before he realizes he forgot to turn the switch on.
A: None: "The user can work it out."
Q: How many tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Just one, provided there's a programmer around to explain how to do it.
Q: How many tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None: It should be obvious to an intelligent user.
Q: How many Technical Support staff does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: "Well, we have an exact copy of your light bulb here and it seems to be working OK. Can you be more specific about the exact problem ?..."
Q: How many Technical Support staff does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: I'm sorry, we don't support that kind of lighting technology.
Q: How many WordPerfect support technicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: We have an exact copy of the light bulb here, and it seems to be working fine. Can you tell me what kind of system you have? Ok. Now, exactly how dark is it? Ok, there could be four or five things wrong . . . have you tried the light switch?
Q: How many MIS guys does it take to change a light bulb?
A: MIS has received your request concerning your hardware problem, and has assigned your request Service Number 39712. Please use this number for any future reference to this light bulb issue. As soon as a technician becomes available, you will be contacted.
Q: How many first-time computer users does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One, but it takes him three hours and two phone calls to the electrician before he realizes he forgot to turn the switch on.
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