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Insults


close but no cigar
 
 
A guy's been dating the girl of his dreams for several months, but he's been holding back his sexual advances because he's worried she'll notice his smaller-than-average penis. One night they're in his car, and he decides to finally make his move. After kissing for a while, he opens his zipper and guides her hand into his pants. "No, thanks," moans the girl. "You know I don't smoke."
on and off
 
 
A Polish mechanic is fixing his headlights. "Help me out here," he yells to his buddy. "Is my blinker working?" The friend says, "Yes…no…yes."
a fashion sense
 
 
Two lawyers are leaving the office. "I can't wait to get home," says one of them. "As soon as I walk in the door, I'm going to rip my wife's panties right off." "I know the feeling," the other says. "No, I'm serious," says the first. "They're killing me."
paying the bills
 
 
President Bush looks up from his desk in the Oval Office to see one of his aides nervously approaching him. "What is it?" sighs the president. "It's this abortion bill. What do you want to do about it?" the aide asks. "Go ahead and pay it," says the president.

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