gender jokes

Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.

Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.

Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, "made the dinner."

Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.

Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.

Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.

Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.

Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.

Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.

Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."

Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.

Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus,...breath...push..."

Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...!

Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.

Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers."

Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.

Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card

A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the husband exploded, "If it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be here!" The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money I wouldn't be here."

Continuing Education Courses for Women

Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before.

The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits.

Parties: Going Without New Outfits.

Man Management: Discover How Minor Household Chores Can Wait Until After the Game.

Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too.

Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor Is His.

Valuation: Just Because It's Not Important to You . . .

Communication Skills I: Tears-The Last Resort, Not the First.

Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking.

Communication Skills III: Getting What You Want, Without Nagging.

Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire.

Party Etiquette: Drinking Your Fair Share.

Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up.

Introduction to Parking.

Advanced Parking: Reversing Into A Space.

Overcoming Anal Retentive Behavior: Leaving the Towels on the Floor.

Water retention: Fact or Fat.

Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter.

Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not For Human Consumption.

Cooking III: How Not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People.

Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully.

Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To.

Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have.

Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice.

Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together.

Ballet: For Women Only.

Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both.

Appreciating the Humor of the Three Stooges.

"Do These Jeans Make Me Look Fat?" - Why Men Lie.

TV Remotes: For Men Only.

Reason's why it's great to be a woman

1. Free drinks.
   
   
2. Free dinners.
   
   
3. Free movies.
   
   
4. Speeding ticket? What's that?
   
   
5. New lipstick gives you a whole new lease on life.
   
   
6. If you have to be home in time for Melrose Place, you can say so, out loud.
   
   
7. If you're not making enough money you can blame the glass ceiling.
   
   
8. You can sleep your way to the top.
   
   
9. You can sue the President for sexual harassment.
   
   
10. It's possible to live your whole life without ever taking a group shower.
    
    
11. No fashion faux pas you make could rival The Speedo.
    
    
12. Brad Pitt.
    
    
13. No one passes out when you take off your shoes.
    
    
14. Excitement is only as far away as the nearest beauty-supply store.
    
    
15. If you forget to shave, no one has to know.
    
    
16. If you're dumb, some people will find it cute.
    
    
17. You have the ability to dress yourself.
    
    
18. If you marry someone twenty years younger, you're aware that you look like an idiot.
    
    
19. You'll never have to punch a hole through anything with your fist.
    
    
20. You can quickly end any fight by crying.
    
    
21. Your friends won't think you're weird if you ask whether there's spinach in your teeth.
    
    
22. There are times when chocolate really Can solve all your problems.
    
    
23. You've never had a goatee.
    
    
24. You'll never regret piercing your ears.
    
    
25. You can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
    
    
26. You know which glass was yours by the lipstick mark.
    
    
27. You get to hate Kathie Lee in the way only another woman truly can.