funny one liners

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

[Referring to a glass of water] I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody!

They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning... [Picks up his glass of water from the stool...] I like to live on the edge...

I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.

I was born by Cesarean section... But not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.

When I was a baby, I kept a diary. Recently, I was rereading it. It said, "Day 1 -- Still tired from the move. Day 2 -- Everybody talks to me like I'm an idiot." I was upset because on my second birthday, I went from being one to being two, and my age doubled in a year. I figured at this rate, by the time I'm six, I'll be ninety.

When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.

I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, "Do you have any toy train schedules?"

I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... The study of milkmen.

Today I was arrested for scalping low numbers at the deli. I sold a #3 for 28 bucks.

I stayed up all night playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

I was walking down the street and saw a sign on a post. It said: "Lost--$50. If found, just keep it."

I bought a cheap piece of land... It was on someone else's property.

The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and doesn't stop until you get to work.

The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.

Some people think George is weird, because he has sideburns behind his ears. I think George is weird, because he has false teeth. With braces on them. George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... You can't hear him talk.

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, "Do you want white cake or chocolate cake?" I said, "Yes".

I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. So I looked closer. It was made of grass.

My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.

I eat Swiss cheese from the inside out. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.

I had amnesia once or twice.

I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.

I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.

I got a chain letter by FAX. It's very simple. You just FAX a dollar bill to everybody on the list.

"I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said... Are you going to hate yourself in the morning? She said.. No..I hate myself now."

"I had a girlfriend that was so fat her belly button made an echo."

"I had a girlfriend that was so fat she had her own postal code."

"I had a girlfriend that was so fat she had a dress with a sign on the back saying...Caution Wide Load."

"My girlfriend was so fat her clothes were made by Omar the tent maker"

"One day I ran into my girlfriend with my car. She asked me why I didn't ride around her. I told her that I didn't think I had enough gas"

"I had a girlfriend that was so fat her bikini was made out of two bed sheets."

"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... her mother ripped in two when she had her."

"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... She uses a septic tank for a toilet."