funny one liners jokes

It's fascinating to think that all around us there's an invisible world we can't even see. I'm speaking, of course, of the World of the Invisible Scary Skeletons.

He was the kind of man who was not ashamed to show affection. I guess that's what I hated about him.

If they have moving sidewalks in the future, when you get on them, I think you should have to assume sort of a walking shape so as not to frighten the dogs.

The next time I have meat and mashed potatoes, I think I'll put a very large blob of potatoes on my plate with just a little piece of meat. And if someone asks me why I didn't get more meat, I'll just say, "Oh, you mean this?" and pull out a big piece of meat from inside the blob of potatoes, where I've hidden it. Good magic trick, huh?

I think college administrators should encourage students to urinate on walls and bushes, because then when students from another college come sniffing around, they'll know this is someone else's territory.

I think my new thing will be to try to be a real happy guy. I'll just walk around being real happy until some jerk says something stupid to me.

If you want to be the most popular person in your class, whenever the professor pauses in his lecture, just let out a big snort and say "How do you figger that!" real loud. Then lean back and sort of smirk.

If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind people and pinching them is probably a joke that gets old real fast.

If the Vikings were around today, they would probably be amazed at how much glow-in-the-dark stuff we have, and how we take so much of it for granted. We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.

I wish scientists would come up with a way to make dogs a lot bigger, but with a smaller head. That way, they'd still be good as watchdogs, but they wouldn't eat as much.

If you had a school for professional fireworks people, I don't think you could cover fuses in just one class. It's just too rich a subject.

People think it would be fun to be a bird because you could fly. But they forget the negative side, which is the preening.

If I live in the Wild West days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That was if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like, "Hey look. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." Then everyone would get real quiet and ashamed, because they made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.

When I think back on all the blessings I have been given in my life, I can't think of a single one, unless you count that rattlesnake that granted me all those wishes.

I hope in the future Americans are thought of as a warlike, vicious people, because I bet a lot of high schools would pick 'Americans' as their mascot.

Sometimes I think the world has gone completely mad. And then I think, "Aw, who cares?" And then I think, "Hey, what's for supper?"

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.

An executive will always return to work from lunch early if no one takes him.

An error in the premise will appear in the conclusion.

An object at rest will always be in the wrong place.

An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong direction.

An original idea can never emerge from committee in its original form.

An ounce of application is worth a ton of abstraction.

An ounce of pretension is worth a pound of manure.

An ounce of rejection is worse than a pound of "sure".

Any argument carried far enough will end up in semantics.

Any minimum criteria set will be the maximum value used.

Any producing entity is the last to use its own product.

Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way.

Any smoothly functioning technology is indistinguishable from a "rigged" demo.

Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.

Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday.

Any technology distinguishable from magic is insufficiently advanced.

Any theory can be made to fit any facts by means of appropriate additional assumptions.

Any time things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something.

Any time you wish to demonstrate something, the number of faults is proportional to the number of viewers.

Any tool dropped while repairing a car will roll underneath to the exact center.