steven wright 11
My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing. He's an East German Shepherd.
I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
The other day, I was walking my dog around my building... on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now.
Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing. He's an East German Shepherd.
I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
The other day, I was walking my dog around my building... on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now.
Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.
steven wright 12
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
[Referring to a glass of water] I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody!
They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning... [Picks up his glass of water from the stool...] I like to live on the edge...
I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.
I was born by Cesarean section... But not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.
When I was a baby, I kept a diary. Recently, I was rereading it. It said, "Day 1 -- Still tired from the move. Day 2 -- Everybody talks to me like I'm an idiot." I was upset because on my second birthday, I went from being one to being two, and my age doubled in a year. I figured at this rate, by the time I'm six, I'll be ninety.
When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.
I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.
When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, "Do you have any toy train schedules?"
[Referring to a glass of water] I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody!
They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning... [Picks up his glass of water from the stool...] I like to live on the edge...
I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.
I was born by Cesarean section... But not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.
When I was a baby, I kept a diary. Recently, I was rereading it. It said, "Day 1 -- Still tired from the move. Day 2 -- Everybody talks to me like I'm an idiot." I was upset because on my second birthday, I went from being one to being two, and my age doubled in a year. I figured at this rate, by the time I'm six, I'll be ninety.
When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.
I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.
When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, "Do you have any toy train schedules?"
steven wright 13
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... Eventually.
When I was five years old I was on a merry go round. There was a gunshot nearby. The horses stampeded. There I was running down the street on a purple wooden horse.
When I was eight, I played Little League. I was on first; I stole third; I went straight across. Earlier that week, I learned that the shortest distance between two points was a direct line. I took advantage of that knowledge.
I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit it.
My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birthmark until he was eight years old.
My school colors were clear. We used to say, "I'm not naked, I'm in the band."
When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... It gets me mad! I'll go over to a little baby and say, "What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!"
My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
When I was five years old I was on a merry go round. There was a gunshot nearby. The horses stampeded. There I was running down the street on a purple wooden horse.
When I was eight, I played Little League. I was on first; I stole third; I went straight across. Earlier that week, I learned that the shortest distance between two points was a direct line. I took advantage of that knowledge.
I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit it.
My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birthmark until he was eight years old.
My school colors were clear. We used to say, "I'm not naked, I'm in the band."
When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... It gets me mad! I'll go over to a little baby and say, "What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!"
My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
steven wright 14
I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building... I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turned to the other and said, "See, that's how it's done."
I was going to commit suicide the other day, but I must not have been serious because I brought a beach towel.
I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after me... I pushed "1" and he just stood there... I said, "Hi, where you going?" He said, "Phoenix." So I pushed Phoenix. A few seconds later the doors opened, two tumbleweeds blew in... We were in downtown Phoenix. I looked at him and said, "You know, you're the kind of guy I want to hang around with." We got into his car and drove out to his shack in the desert. Then the phone rang. He said, "You get it." I picked it up and said, "Hello?"... The other side said, "Is this Steven Wright?"... I said, "Yes..." The guy said, "Hi, I'm Mr. Jones, the student loan director from your bank. It seems you have missed your last 17 payments, and the university you attended said that they received none of the $17,000 we loaned you. We would just like to know what happened to the money?" I said, "Mr. Jones, I'll give it to you straight. I gave all of the money to my friend Slick, and with it he built a nuclear weapon... And I would appreciate it if you never called me again."
One day I got on the usual bus, and when I stepped in, I saw the most gorgeous blond Chinese girl... I sat beside her. I said, "Hi," and she said, "Hi," and then I said, "Nice day, isn't it?," And she said, "I saw my analyst today and he says I have a problem." So I asked, "What's the problem?" She replied, "I can't tell you. I don't even know you..." I said, "Well sometimes it's good to tell your problems to a perfect stranger on a bus." So she said, "Well, my analyst said I'm a nymphomaniac and I only like Jewish cowboys... By the way, my name is Denise." I said, "Hello, Denise. My name is Bucky Goldstein..."
Now I'm going to tell you about the girl I'm seeing now. I met her at a Macy's in New York. She was buying clothes, and I was putting slinkies on the escalators. The girl I'm seeing now, Rachel, is a very pretty girl. She has emerald eyes and long, flowing plaid hair. The last week in August, we went camping way up in Canada. We were laying around in the woods and stuff, and I don't know how she did it but she got poison ivy on her brain and the only way she can scratch it is if she thinks about sandpaper. She's a rich girl, she's from somewhere else. And her father is an incredible millionaire. He's the guy who designed the diagram to show you which way to put the batteries in something. Having sex with Rachel is amazing. It's like going to a concert. She yells a lot. She throws frisbees around the room. And when she wants more she lights a match.
Last time I went skiing, I had to get up at 5:00 in the morning. I knew I couldn't do that, so I slept with my skis on. My ride came at 5:30 in the morning, couldn't wake me up so he carried me out of the house, put my skis on the roof rack of the car, and drove to the mountain. Seventeen miles later, I woke up out of this incredibly bizarre dream that I was skydiving horizontally. I'm sure this has happened to you.
A while ago, I went skiing in England. It was a rare package: two weeks in England, one night in Connecticut, two weeks in England. I said, "Yes, I'll take it." I got on this chairlift with this guy I didn't know. We went halfway up the mountain without saying a word. Then he turned to me and said, "You know, this is the first time I've gone skiing in ten years." I said, "Why did you take such a long time off?" He said, "I was in prison. Want to know why?" I said, "Not really. Well, you better tell me why." He said, "I pushed a total stranger off a Ferris wheel." I said, "I remember you."
I looked out my apartment window, and I saw a bird wearing sneakers and a button saying, "I ain't flying no where." I said, "What's your problem buddy?" He said, "I'm sick of this stuff -- winter here, summer there, winter here, summer there. I don't know who thought this stuff up, but it certainly wasn't a bird." I said, "Well, I was just making breakfast, come on in. Want some eggs? Sorry."
One night I came home very late. It was the next night.
I was going to commit suicide the other day, but I must not have been serious because I brought a beach towel.
I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after me... I pushed "1" and he just stood there... I said, "Hi, where you going?" He said, "Phoenix." So I pushed Phoenix. A few seconds later the doors opened, two tumbleweeds blew in... We were in downtown Phoenix. I looked at him and said, "You know, you're the kind of guy I want to hang around with." We got into his car and drove out to his shack in the desert. Then the phone rang. He said, "You get it." I picked it up and said, "Hello?"... The other side said, "Is this Steven Wright?"... I said, "Yes..." The guy said, "Hi, I'm Mr. Jones, the student loan director from your bank. It seems you have missed your last 17 payments, and the university you attended said that they received none of the $17,000 we loaned you. We would just like to know what happened to the money?" I said, "Mr. Jones, I'll give it to you straight. I gave all of the money to my friend Slick, and with it he built a nuclear weapon... And I would appreciate it if you never called me again."
One day I got on the usual bus, and when I stepped in, I saw the most gorgeous blond Chinese girl... I sat beside her. I said, "Hi," and she said, "Hi," and then I said, "Nice day, isn't it?," And she said, "I saw my analyst today and he says I have a problem." So I asked, "What's the problem?" She replied, "I can't tell you. I don't even know you..." I said, "Well sometimes it's good to tell your problems to a perfect stranger on a bus." So she said, "Well, my analyst said I'm a nymphomaniac and I only like Jewish cowboys... By the way, my name is Denise." I said, "Hello, Denise. My name is Bucky Goldstein..."
Now I'm going to tell you about the girl I'm seeing now. I met her at a Macy's in New York. She was buying clothes, and I was putting slinkies on the escalators. The girl I'm seeing now, Rachel, is a very pretty girl. She has emerald eyes and long, flowing plaid hair. The last week in August, we went camping way up in Canada. We were laying around in the woods and stuff, and I don't know how she did it but she got poison ivy on her brain and the only way she can scratch it is if she thinks about sandpaper. She's a rich girl, she's from somewhere else. And her father is an incredible millionaire. He's the guy who designed the diagram to show you which way to put the batteries in something. Having sex with Rachel is amazing. It's like going to a concert. She yells a lot. She throws frisbees around the room. And when she wants more she lights a match.
Last time I went skiing, I had to get up at 5:00 in the morning. I knew I couldn't do that, so I slept with my skis on. My ride came at 5:30 in the morning, couldn't wake me up so he carried me out of the house, put my skis on the roof rack of the car, and drove to the mountain. Seventeen miles later, I woke up out of this incredibly bizarre dream that I was skydiving horizontally. I'm sure this has happened to you.
A while ago, I went skiing in England. It was a rare package: two weeks in England, one night in Connecticut, two weeks in England. I said, "Yes, I'll take it." I got on this chairlift with this guy I didn't know. We went halfway up the mountain without saying a word. Then he turned to me and said, "You know, this is the first time I've gone skiing in ten years." I said, "Why did you take such a long time off?" He said, "I was in prison. Want to know why?" I said, "Not really. Well, you better tell me why." He said, "I pushed a total stranger off a Ferris wheel." I said, "I remember you."
I looked out my apartment window, and I saw a bird wearing sneakers and a button saying, "I ain't flying no where." I said, "What's your problem buddy?" He said, "I'm sick of this stuff -- winter here, summer there, winter here, summer there. I don't know who thought this stuff up, but it certainly wasn't a bird." I said, "Well, I was just making breakfast, come on in. Want some eggs? Sorry."
One night I came home very late. It was the next night.
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