funny one liners

Steals Clock, Faces Time

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge

Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction

Stolen Painting Found by Tree

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy

Include your Children when Baking Cookies

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, "Do you want white cake or chocolate cake?" I said, "Yes".

I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. So I looked closer. It was made of grass.

My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.

I eat Swiss cheese from the inside out. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.

I had amnesia once or twice.

I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.

I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.

I got a chain letter by FAX. It's very simple. You just FAX a dollar bill to everybody on the list.

My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.

The sky is falling. The sun is rising.

The sky is falling... No, I'm tipping over backwards.

The sky already fell. Now what?

The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.

I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun wouldn't rise.



If you take a oriental and turn him around so he faces west, does he become disoriented?

I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.

How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?

I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.

I still have my Christmas Tree. I looked at it today. Sure enough, I couldn't see any forests.

If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan club?

When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.

If you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to think you're Shakespeare?

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?

Smoking cures weight problems... Eventually...

I had fried octopus last night. You have to be really quiet when you eat it. Otherwise, it emits a cloud of black smoke and falls on the floor.

I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.