funny one liners jokes

Anything is possible, but nothing is easy.

Anything labeled "New" and/or "Improved" isn't. The label means the price went up. The label "All New", "Completely New", or "Great New" means the price went way up.

Anything that doesn't eat you today is saving you for tomorrow.

Anything that is designed to do more than one thing cannot do any of them well.

Anything you try to fix will take longer and cost more than you thought.

Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.

Appearances are not everything; it just looks like they are.

Artificial intelligence usually beats real stupidity.

As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong?

As soon as the stewardess serves the coffee, the airline encounters turbulence.

For every problem, there is a neat, plain solution...and it is always wrong.

For every vision, there is an equal and opposite revision.

Four-wheel-drive just means getting stuck in more inaccessible places.

Free advice costs nothing until you act upon it.

Free time which unexpectedly becomes available will be wasted.

Freud's 23rd law: ideas endure and prosper in inverse proportion to their soundness and validity.

Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.

Frustration is not having anyone to blame but yourself.

Genius is 1% inspiration, and 99% perspiration.

Geologists do not dress for success unless they are trying to convince others that they are going on interviews.

He who shouts the loudest has the floor.

He who walks in another's tracks leaves no footprints.

Hindsight is an exact science.

History is the science of what never happens twice.

History repeats itself. That is one of the things wrong with history.

I disapprove of every conspiracy of which I am not a part.

I have never found, in long experience, that criticism is ever inhibited by ignorance.

I have run out of sick leave, so I'm calling in dead.

I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.

I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which when you looked at it in the right way, did not become still more complicated.

One thing that makes me believe in UFOs is, sometimes I lose stuff.

It's amazing to me that one of the world's most feared diseases would be carried by one of the world's smallest animals: the real tiny dog.

Sometimes, when I drive across the desert in the middle of the night, with no other cars around, I start imagining: What if there were no civilization out there? No cities, no factories, no people? And then I think: No people or factories? Then who made this car? And this highway? And I get so confused I have to stick my head out the window into the driving rain - unless there's lightning, because I could get struck on the head by a bolt.

I guess more bad things have been done in the name of progress than any other. I myself have been guilty of this. When I was a teenager, I stole a car and drove it out into the desert and set it on fire. When the police showed up, I just shrugged and said, "Hey, progress." Boy, did I have a lot to learn.

I think the monkeys at the zoo should have to wear sunglasses so they can't hypnotize you.

The difference between a man and a boy is, a boy wants to grow up to be a fireman, but a man wants to grow up to be a giant monster fireman.

Love can sweep you off your feet and carry you along in a way you've never known before. But the ride always ends, and you end up feeling lonely and bitter. Wait. It's not love I'm describing. I'm thinking of a monorail.

I bet it was pretty hard to pick up girls if you had the Black Death.