funny one liners jokes

Success is the active process of making your dreams real and inspiring others to dream. - James Anders Honeycutt

Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.

Tact is the art of convincing people that they know more than they do.

Take care to get what you like or you will be forced to like what you get.

Take this job and shove it.

Teamwork is essential; it allows you to blame someone else.

Technology makes it possible for people to gain control over everything, except over technology.

That which cannot be taken apart will fall apart.

The 5 P's : Preparation Prevents Piss Poor Performance

Familiarity breeds attempt.

Familiarity breeds children.

Far-away talent always seems better than home-developed talent.

Fill what is empty; empty what is full; scratch where it itches.

For every "10" there are 10 "1's".

For every action, there is a corresponding over-reaction.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

For every credibility gap there is a gullibility fill.

For every idiot proof system devised, a new, improved idiot will arise to overcome it.

If opportunity came disguised as temptation, one knock would be enough.

If people listened to themselves more often, they would talk less.

If reproducibility might be a problem, conduct the test only once.

If some people didn't tell you, you'd never know they'd been away on vacation.

If something is confidential, it will be left in the photocopy machine.

If something is done wrong often enough, it becomes right.

If 'success' consisted simply of not taking chances, then 'glory' would be at the disposal of the most mediocre talent.

If the assumptions are wrong, the conclusions are not likely to be very good.

If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong.

If the probability of success is not almost one, it is very near zero.

If you want to get along, go along.

If you want to make an enemy, do someone a favor.

If your next pot of chili tastes better, it probably is because of something left out, rather than added.

Ignorance is bliss. No wonder I'm so depressed.

Illegitimus non Carborundem: "Don't let the scum bags grind you down"

In a hierarchical organization, the higher the level, the greater the confusion.

In any calculation, any error which can creep in will do so.

In any hierarchy, each individual rises to his own level of incompetence, and then remains there.

In any household, junk accumulates to the the space available for its storage.

In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.

It takes a big man to admit when he's wrong, and an even bigger one to keep his mouth shut when he's right.