funny one liners

If the pen is mightier than the sword, in a duel I'll let you have the pen!

What do batteries run on?

Are there any questions?

I was cleaning out my closet and I found a swim suit that I had made out of sponges. I remember one time when I wore it. When I got out of the swimming pool nobody could go swimming until I came back.

I bought one of those little glass ball things with the snow in it. You know, you turn it upside down then you turn it back and it starts to snow. I bought one, except this has a snow plow that does it in rows.

[Later] I bought one of those little glass ball things with the snow in it... Just checking.

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

Why is it, "A penny for your thoughts," but, "you have to put your two cents in?" Somebody's making a penny.

My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.

All the plants in my house are dead--I shot them last night. I was torturing them by watering them with ice cubes.

I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside. The weatherman on TV was confused. "It was supposed to be hot today."

I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy, "Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?" He said, "I don't know." I said, "I don't want your job."

I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded."

Last time I went camping, I accidentally borrowed a circus tent. I didn't know until I got there and set it up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake. There was a forest nearby, but it wasn't a regular forest. It was a forest made out of paneling. It was a long, thin forest.

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

It's a fine night to have an evening.

The only sense that is common in the long run is the sense of change. We instinctively avoid it.

The only time to be positive is when you are positive you are wrong.

The organization of any program reflects the organization of the people who developed it.

The other line always moves faster.

The paperless office will become a reality about the same time as the paperless toilet.

The person not here is the one working on the problem.

The phone will not ring until you leave your desk and walk to the other end of the building.

The probability of anything happening is in inverse ratio to its desirability.

The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.

The race is not always to the swift nor the battle to the strong, but that's the way to bet.

The ratio of time involved in work to time available for work is usually about 0.6.

The repairman will never have seen a model quite like yours before.

The road to hell is paved with good intentions and littered with sloppy analysis.

The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

The simplest subjects are the ones you don't know anything about.

The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem.

The solving of a problem lies in finding the solvers.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you will have to catch up!

The squeaky wheel doesn't always get the grease; sometimes it gets replaced.

The stomach expands to accommodate the amount of junk food available.