funny one liners

If the slightest probability for an unpleasant event to happen exists, the event will take place, preferably during a demonstration.

If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.

If there isn't a law, there will be.

If there is a 50-50 chance that something can go wrong, then 9 times out of 10 it will.

If there is light at the end of the tunnel...order more tunnel.

If things were left to chance, they would be better.

If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.

If we learn by our mistakes, some of us are getting one great education!

If you aim for the stars but only make it to the moon, remember there are people who have not yet made it to the moon.

If you are already in a hole, there is no use to continue digging.

If you are asked to join a parade, don't march behind the elephants.

If you are coasting, you're going downhill.

If you are feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it.

If you are given two contradictory orders, obey them both.

If you are not the lead dog, the scenery never changes.

If you are running for a short line, it suddenly becomes a long line.

If you are worried about being crazy, don't be overly concerned. If you were, you would think you were sane.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you must have someone to blame.

If you cannot convince them, confuse them. - Harry S. Truman

If you cannot dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with lies.

If you cannot fix it, feature it.

If you cannot get your work done in a 24-hour day, then work nights!

If you cannot measure output, then you measure input.

If you cannot hope for order, withdraw with style from the chaos.

If you consult enough experts, you can confirm any opinion.

If you did what you always did, you'll get what you always got.

If you do a job too well, you will get stuck with it.

If you do something right once, someone will ask you to do it again.

If you do not care where you are, then you aren't lost.

If you do not change direction, you are likely to end up where you are headed.

If you do not know what you're doing, do it neatly.

If you do not like the answer, you shouldn't have asked the question.

If you do not make dust, you eat dust.

If you do not say it, they can't repeat it.

If you do not understand it, it must be intuitively obvious.

If you explain so clearly that no one can possibly misunderstand, someone will.

If you file it, you'll know where it is but never need it. If you don't file it, you'll need it but never know where it is.

If you have always done it that way, it is probably wrong.

If you have got them by the testicles, their hearts and minds will follow.

If you have nothing to do, don't do it here.