funny one liners

"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... She was known as a two bagger. That's when a girl is so ugly that you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks"

"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... I bent down to pet her cat only to find that it was the hair on her legs."

"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... I took her to a dog show and she won first prize."

"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her."

"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... She looks like she came in second in a hatchet fight!"

"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... The last time I saw a mouth like hers it had a hook on the end of it."

I knew a girl that was so ugly that... She has a face like a saint--A saint bernard!"

"One day...as I came home early from work...I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy...Hey buddy...why are you doing that for? He said..Because you came home early."

"My marriage is on the rocks again. Yeah..my wife just broke up with her boyfriend."

"My friends and I played a new version of Russian roulette. We passed around six girls and one of them had VD."

"I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once... Doctor...every morning when I get up and look in the mirror..I feel like throwing up; what's wrong with me? He said..I don't know but your eyesight is perfect"

"I remember when I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest."

"I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown necktie."

"My dentist has bad breath......Why every time he smokes he blows onion rings."

"My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him...If you don't mind I'd like a second opinion...he said... Alright...you're ugly too!"

"I was so ugly...my mother used to feed me with a sling shot!"

Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?

You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?

Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Can you be a closet claustrophobic?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?

If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?

Why is the word abbreviation so long?

Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?