funny one liners

My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.

The sky is falling. The sun is rising.

The sky is falling... No, I'm tipping over backwards.

The sky already fell. Now what?

The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.

I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun wouldn't rise.



If you take a oriental and turn him around so he faces west, does he become disoriented?

I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.

How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?

I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.

I still have my Christmas Tree. I looked at it today. Sure enough, I couldn't see any forests.

If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan club?

When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.

If you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to think you're Shakespeare?

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?

Smoking cures weight problems... Eventually...

I had fried octopus last night. You have to be really quiet when you eat it. Otherwise, it emits a cloud of black smoke and falls on the floor.

I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.

Droughts are because God didn't pay his water bill.

Is "tired old cliche" one?

if you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.

Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "what for?"

Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business.

In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.

I Xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.

I Xeroxed my watch. Now I can give away free watches.

Seisline prayer: O Lord, grant that we may always be right, for thou knowest we will never change our minds.

Sanity and insanity overlap a fine gray line.

Say no, then negotiate.

Science is always simple and always profound. It is only the half-truths that are dangerous.

Science is not a sacred cow. Science is a horse. Don't worship it. Feed it.

Security depends not so much upon how much you have as upon how much you can do without.

Self-blame constitutes an exquisite form of self-praise. No matter how severe the adjectives, the conversation remains fixed on oneself. For the last 40 years, all the best people have complained of neurotic disorders. - Lewis Lapham, in "Money and Class in America" (1988)

Self starters...will not.

Some circumstantial evidence is very strong, as when you find a trout in the milk.

Some come to the fountain of knowledge to drink, some prefer to just gargle.