funny one liners

You can always get a job in international affairs because 90% of everything happens in a foreign country.

I called the Census Bureau to see why they hadn't sent me a form, and they said that I was too nondescript to influence the demographics one way or another.

She had a face lift, tummy lift, and buttock lift, and now she's two feet off the ground.

Any closet is a walk-in closet if you try hard enough.

I listen to the police band on my CB radio. Once I dialed 911 and dedicated a crime to my girlfriend.

Eventually, the water hazard will be filled with golfballs. It will still be a hazard, though, because you're only allowed to hit your own ball.

The original Mickey Mouse cartoon was in Mouse, with English subtitles.

I daydreamed that I was falling and, just before I hit the ground, I fell asleep.

Which of the Himalayas is the shortest?

The museum boasted owning the original version of Beethoven's unfinished basement.

What are imitation rhinestones?

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

Let's say you stuff a cat's tail up his ass until it peeks out of his mouth, and you give the tip of its tail a sound yank. Would the cat turn inside out?

I recently changed my name to Resident Occupant. The local post office would like to speak with me but they're not sure where I live. Last week they used a barge to deliver my mail. But I don't think I'm getting it all. So if you happen to see any of it...

I'm getting a tattoo. It's going to be all over my whole body--a tattoo of myself. Only taller.

I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was "woman".

I have a decaffeinated coffee table. You'd never know it to look at it.

My neighbors don't like it when I talk to my plants ... I use a megaphone.

I'm in Champaign, I listen to the great music on Rock 107, and when out of town ... they mail it to me.

Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday."

"I own the erasers for all the miniature golf pencils"

I want to start a car repair shop. I have already got the air for the tires.

My grandma says she has eyes in the back of her head... I hope it's not hereditary.

When I was 10, my pa told me never to talk to strangers ... we haven't spoken since.

A wino asked me for change... I gave him my shirt.

I don't like dogs ... keep getting mustard on my catching glove.

My mom called me last night ... I'm over it now. I was thinking of calling her back ... there it passed...

My uncle's an airline pilot ... kinda makes it difficult to hold the bottle though...

When my Dad came home last night, my mom fainted.

Don't tell anyone I said but we're live on national TV.

I broke a leg one time ... spilt coffee all over.

I bought this thing for my car. You put it on your car, it sends out this little noise, so when you drive through the woods, deer won't run in front of your car. I installed it backwards by accident. Driving down the street with a herd of deer chasing me. Those were the days.

That's a good thing to say to the police the next time they stop you. "License and registration, please." "Hermits have no peer pressure." "License and registration, please." "Whenever I think about the past, it just brings back so many memories." "License and registration, please." "There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot. Wouldn't you" say, Officer?" "License and registration, please." "What's another word for Thesaurus?" See the cop have a nervous breakdown. "I was just trying to give him a ticket."

I can't wait to be arrested and go all the way to the witness stand. "Do you swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help you, God?" "Yes, you're ugly. See that women in the jury? I'd really like to sleep with her. Should I keep going or are you going to ask me questions?"

In the Roadrunner cartoon, the coyote has been chasing him for 25 years. I'd like to see him finally get right up to him and go "Sorry, I thought you were someone else."

Driving hasn't been the same since I installed the funhouse rearview mirrors. "What is that?"

Driving down the street at 150 miles per hour with a friend of mine on cruise control. Both of us in the back seat. The police pulled us over. They don't know who to arrest, nobody's driving. So, they arrested us both. I'm on the witness stand. You know the rest.