funny one liners

It's Not My Job!

It's not hard to meet expenses; they are everywhere.

It's not how good your work is, it's how well you explain it.

It's not the work that gets me down, it's the coffee breaks.

It's out of my control.

Job placement: Telling your boss what he can do with your job.

Join in the new game that's sweeping the country. It's called "Bureaucracy". Everybody stands in a circle. The first person to do anything loses.

Junk mail arrives the day it was sent.

Just about the time when you think you can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.

Just about the time when your income gets to the point where food prices don't matter, calories do.

Marry not a tennis player. For love means nothing to them.

May you be too good for the world and not good enough for your wife.

May you grow so rich your widow's second husband never has to worry about a living, God forbid.

May you live happily ever after with a poor, ugly, shrewish wife.

May you never leave your marriage alive.

May your wife be a witch who takes after her mother, and may you all live together in a one-room house.

Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier. --H.L. Mencken

My darling wife was always glum. I drowned her in a cask of rum, And so made sure that she would stay, In better spirits night and day.

My opinions are my wife's, and she says I'm lucky to have them.

Nuns: Women who marry God. If they divorce Him, do they get half the universe?

Perfection is what American women expect to find in their husbands, but English women only hope to find in their butlers. -- W. Somerset Maugham

Republican boys date Democratic girls. They plan to marry Republican girls, but feel they're entitled to a little fun first.

Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

Shotgun wedding: a case of wife or death.

Spinster: A bachelor's wife.

Suicide is belated acquiescence in the opinion of one's wife's relatives.

Question: Ted Kennedy: "Where was George?"
Answer: Dry, sober, and at home with his wife

The days just before marriage are like a snappy introduction to a tedious book.

To heck with marrying a girl who makes biscuits like her mother--I want to marry one who makes dough like her father.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a row."

I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."

I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.

I went into a clothes store the other day and a salesman walked up to me and said, "Can I help you?" And I said "Yeah, do you got anything I like?" He said, "What do you mean do we have anything you like?" I said, "You started this."

I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, "It's free with purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything today.

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap Department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.

Friday, I was in a bookstore and I started talking to a French looking girl. She was a bilingual illiterate -- she couldn't read in two different languages.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out. Then I filled my humidifier with wax, and now my room is all shiny.