funny ads

These are supposedly actual classified ads that have appeared in various papers across the world.

FOR SALE: LEE MAJORS (6 MILLION DOLLAR MAN) - $50

NORDIC TRACK $300 - HARDLY USED - CALL CHUBBIE at:

BILL'S SEPTIC CLEANING - "WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS"

SHAKESPEARE'S PIZZA - FREE CHOPSTICKS

HUMMELS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER - "IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!"

PRESIDENT'S CHOICE - COW MANURE - 2 33lb bags - $5

HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB

GEORGIA PEACHES - CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb.

NICE PARACHUTE - NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE - SLIGHTLY STAINED

These are supposedly actual classified ads that have appeared in various papers across the world.

WHIRLPOOL BUILT IN OVEN -- FROST FREE!

FROZEN SOFT & GENTLE BATH TISSUE - 4 ROLLS 99 CENTS

AMERICAN FLAG - 60 STARS - POLE INCLUDED - $100

TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR? WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS. STARTING PAY: $7 - $9 PER HOUR.

NOTICE: TO PERSON OR PERSONS WHO TOOK THE LARGE PUMPKIN ON HIGHWAY 87 NEAR SOUTHRIDGE STORAGE. PLEASE RETURN THE PUMPKIN AND BE CHECKED. PUMPKIN MAY BE RADIOACTIVE. ALL OTHER PLANTS IN VINCINITY ARE DEAD.

THE MOST ROMANTIC LOVE SONGS OF THE '50s: INCLUDING "16 TONS" BY TENNESSEE ERNIE FORD

EXERCISE EQUIPMENT QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRING - $175.

OUR SOFA SEATS THE WHOLE MOB - AND IT'S MADE OF 100% ITALIAN LEATHER.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY, MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER - $300.

FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG...LOOKS LIKE A RAT...BEEN OUT AWHILE... BETTER BE A REWARD.

These are supposedly actual classified ads that have appeared in various papers across the world.

LAWYER SAYS CLIENT IS NOT THAT GUILTY.

GROUND BEAST: 99 cents lb.

OPEN HOUSE - BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON - FREE COFFEE & DONUTS

FREE PUPPIES...PART GERMAN SHEPHERD, PART DOG

FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 COCKER SPANIEL - 1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR DOG

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD. UNPLEASANT LITTLE DOG.

GERMAN SHEPHARD. 85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.

CUTE KITTEN FOR SALE, 2 CENTS OR BEST OFFER

FREE: FARM KITTENS. READY TO EAT.

KITTENS 8 WEEKS OLD - SEEKING GOOD CHRISTIAN HOME.

CLASSIFIED ERRORS, from a small-town daily:

(Monday) FORE SALE - R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Phone 555-0707 after 7 p.m. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap.

(Tuesday) NOTICE - We regret having erred in R. D. Jone's ad yesterday. It should have read: One sewing machine for sale. Cheap: 555-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him after 7 p.m.

(Wednesday) NOTICE - R. D. Jones has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in his classified ad yesterday. His ad stands corrected as follows: FOR SALE - R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 555-0707 and ask Mrs. Kelly who loves with him.

(Thursday) NOTICE - I, R. D. Jones, have NO sewing machine for sale. I SMASHED IT. Don't call 555-0707, as the telephone has been disconnected. I have NOT been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper, but she quit."