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rules of the south
  • Save all manner of bacon grease. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating.

  • Just because one can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can't stay home the two days of the year it snows.

  • If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four-wheel-drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way: This is what they live for.

  • Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and fishing bait in the same store.

  • Remember: "Y'all" is singular.

  • "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.

  • There is nothing sillier than a northerner imitating a Southern accent, unless it is a Southerner imitating a Boston accent.

  • People walk slower here.

  • Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.

  • The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "Big ol'", as in "big ol' truck" or "big ol' boy". Eighty-five percent begin their new southern influenced dialect with this expression. One hundred percent are in denial about it.

  • The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.

  • "He needed killin'" is a valid defense here.

  • If attending a funeral in the South: remember, we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.

  • If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.

  • Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.

  • Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car's windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.

  • The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until November.

  • If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the tiniest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store, it is just something you're supposed to do.

  • Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one it is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer. This is logical bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed.

  • Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.

  • Florida is not considered a Southern state (except Gainesville). There are far more Yankees than Southerners living there.

  • As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for the vehicle.

  • You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself.
    • runny noodle
    This lady is on an airplane and is seated next to a man named Ian McKegney. About half an hour after they take off, Ian sneezed. He calmly opened his fly, took out his penis and wiped it with a handkerchief. The lady was shocked but a little too shy to say anything.

    About 15 minutes later, Ian sneezed again and then once more opened his fly, grabbed his penis and wiped it off. The lady could not beleive it, and being to shy to mention it, she thought to herself, "If he does that again, I'm definitely going to mention it."

    Well, guess what? About 10 minutes later, Ian sneezed again and proceeded as before. She turned to Ian and said, "That is disgusting! Must you do that in front of me?" Ian apologized and explained that it was a medical condition, "Every time I sneeze, I have an orgasm," he explained.

    "Really, what do you take for that?" she asked.

    Ian replied, "Pepper."

    russian beauties
    What do you call a beautiful girl in Russia?

    A tourist.

    saddam hussein
    What did Saddam Hussein have in common with his father?
    Neither knew when to pull out!

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