As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as Euro-English (Euro for short). In the first year, 's' will be used instead of the soft 'c'. Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard 'c' will be replaced with 'k.' Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome 'ph' will be replaced by 'f'. This will make words like 'fotograf' 20 per sent shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent 'e's in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.
By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing 'th' by 'z' and 'W' by 'V'. During ze fifz year, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou', and similar changes vud of kors; be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil b no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru.
"There is a building so tall, it took my friend Alex 72 hours to fall off it!"
"Oh, my God!" says his friend. "Surely he must have died!"
"Of course. He was without food or water for 3 days!"
• Plato: for the greater good. • Karl Marx: It was historical inevitability. • Douglass Adams: 42 • Oliver North: National security was at stake. • Darwin: It was the next logical step after coming down from the trees • Earnest Hemmingway: To die. In the rain. • Saddam Hussein: It was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tonnes of nerve gas on it. • Ronald Regan: I forget. • Jack Nicholson: 'Cause it f-----g wanted to. That's the f----g reason. • Mark Twain: The news of it's crossing has been greatly exagerated. • Mr T: If you saw me coming, you'd cross the road too
Once inside they each hid in a old sack against the barn wall. The farmer went into the barn but did not see where they went, he was about to turn back when he saw three suspicious looking sacks. He walked forward and prodded the first sack with his gun. The Englishman inside said... 'Meow'.'
"Just cats," he thought.
He then prodded the second sack. The Welshman, hearing how the Englishman got off said... 'Woof'.'
"Just dogs," he thought.
As he walked towards the last sack, the Irishman worked out what he was going to say. As soon as the farmer prodded his sack he said... 'Potatoes!'
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