Entertainment

A mystery-lover takes his place in the theater for opening night, but his seat is way back in the theater, far from the stage. The man calls an usher over and whispers, 'I just love a good mystery, and I have been anxiously anticipating the opening of this play. However, in order to carefully follow the clues and fully enjoy the play, I have to watch a mystery close up. Look how far away I am! If you can get me a better seat, I'll give you a handsome tip.'

The usher nods and says he will be back shortly. Looking forward to a large tip, the usher speaks with his co-workers in the box office, hoping to find some closer tickets. With just three minutes left until curtain, he finds an unused ticket at the Will Call window and snatches it up. Returning to the man in the back of the theater, he whispers, 'Follow me.' The usher leads the man down to the second row, and proudly points out the empty seat right in the middle. 'Thanks so much,' says the theatergoer, 'This seat is perfect.' He then hands the usher a quarter.

The usher looks down at the quarter, leans over and whispers, 'The butler did it in the parlor with the candlestick.'

On Irish radio there is a guy called Larry Gogan who has been running the "Just-a-Minute quiz" every lunchtime for years. These are actual answers from some contestants...

1) Something a blind man might use?
A sword

2) A Song with the word Moon in the title?
Blue Suede Moon

3) Name the Capital of France?
"F"

4) Name a bird with a long neck?
Naomi Campbell

5) Name an occupation where you might need a torch?
A burglar

6) Where is the Taj Mahal?
Opposite the dental hospital

7) What is Hitler's first name
Heil

8) As happy as.... (Larry gave a hint - think of my name)
A pig in sh*t

9) Some famous brothers
Bonnie and Clyde.

10) A dangerous race
The Arabs

11) Something that floats in a bath
Water

12) An item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers
A horse

13) Something you wear on a beach
A deck-chair

14) A famous Royal
Mail

15) Something that flies that doesn't have an engine
A bicycle with wings

16) A famous bridge
The Bridge Over Troubled Waters

17) Something a cat does
Goes to the toilet

18) Something you do in the bathroom
Decorate

19) A method of securing your home
Put the kettle on

20) Something associated with pigs
The Police

21) A sign of the Zodiac
April

22) Something people might be allergic to
Skiing

23) Something you do before you go to bed
Sleep

24) Something you put on walls
A roof

25) Something slippery
A con-man

26) A kind of ache
A fillet of fish

27) A Jacket Potato topping
Jam

28) A food that can be brown or white
A potato

29) A famous Scotsman
Jock

30) A famous Welshman
Vinnie Jones

31) Something you open other than a door
Your bowels

What do Alexander the Great and Kermit the Frog have in common?

Their middle name.

Q: How do you know that Calista Flockhart (Ally McBeal) doesn't exist?

A: Because the camera adds 10 pounds!