doctor doctor jokes

Doctor: You seem to be in excellent health. Your pulse is as regular as clockwork.
Patient: That's because you've got your hand on my watch!

Doctor, Doctor I've had tummy ache since I ate three crabs yesterday.
Did they smell bad when you took them out of their shells?
What do you mean "took them out of their shells!"

Doctor, Doctor, everyone keeps ignoring me.
Next please!

Doctor, Doctor, some days I feel like a tee-pee and other days I feel like a wig-wam.
You're too tents.

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a dog.
Sit on the couch and we will talk about it.
But I'm not allowed up on the couch!

Doctor, Doctor I've a split personality
Well, you'd better both sit down then!

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a nit
Will you get out of my hair!

Doctor Doctor I keep thinking I'm a caterpillar
Don't worry you'll soon change!

Doctor, Doctor you've taken out my tonsils, my adenoids, my gall bladder, my varicose veins and my appendix, but I still don't feel well.
That's quite enough out of you!

Doctor, Doctor I've got bad teeth, foul breath and smelly feet.
Sounds like you've got Foot and Mouth disease!

Doctor, Doctor my husband smells like fish
Poor sole!

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a spider
What a web of lies!

Doctor, Doctor I'm a burglar!
Have you taken anything for it?

Doctor, Doctor my baby is the image of his father
Never mind just so long as he's healthy!

Doctor, Doctor I’ve lost my memory!
When did this happen?
When did what happen?

Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a rubber band
Why don't you stretch yourself out on the couch there and tell me all about it!

Doctor, Doctor everyone thinks I'm a liar
I can't believe that!

Doctor, Doctor I need something to keep my falling hair in
What about a matchbox!

Doctor, Doctor I keep seeing double.
Please sit on the couch.
Which one!

Doctor, Doctor I keep seeing an insect spinning around.
Don't worry, it's just a bug that's going around!

Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a moth
Get out of the way, your in my light!

Doctor, Doctor I feel like a dog!
Sit!

Doctor, Doctor I feel like a needle.
I see your point!
Tell me straight Doc, Is it bad?
Well, I ouldn't start watching any new soap operas!

Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a telephone.
Well, take these pills and if they don't work then give me a ring!

Doctor, Doctor I'm having trouble with my breathing.
I'll give you something that will soon put a stop to that!

Doctor, Doctor what did the x-ray of my head show?
Absolutely nothing!

Doctor Doctor I'm so ugly what can I do about it?
Hire yourself out for Halloween parties!

Doctor, Doctor I keep painting myself gold
Don't worry it's just a gilt complex!