computer jokes

WRITE IN C  (sung to The Beatles "Let it Be")

When I find my code in tons of trouble,
Friends and colleagues come to me,
Speaking words of wisdom:
"Write in C."

As the deadline fast approaches,
And bugs are all that I can see,
Somewhere, someone whispers"
"Write in C."

Write in C, write in C,
Write in C, write in C.
LISP is dead and buried,
Write in C.

I used to write a lot of FORTRAN,
for science it worked flawlessly.
Try using it for graphics!
Write in C.

If you've just spent nearly 30 hours
Debugging some assembly,
Soon you will be glad to
Write in C.

Write in C, write in C,
Write In C, yeah, write in C.
Only wimps use BASIC.
Write in C.

Write in C, write in C,
Write in C, oh, write in C.
Pascal won't quite cut it.
Write in C.

{
  Guitar Solo
}

Write in C, write in C,
Write in C, yeah, write in C.
Don't even mention COBOL.
Write in C.

And when the screen is fuzzy,
And the edior is bugging me.
I'm sick of ones and zeroes.
Write in C.

A thousand people people swear that T.P.
Seven is the one for me.
I hate the word PROCEDURE,
Write in C.

Write in C, write in C,
Write in C, yeah, write in C.
PL1 is 80's,
Write in C.

Write in C, write in C,
Write in C, yeah, write in C.
The government loves ADA,
Write in C.

ODE TO A SPELL CHECKER
by Jerrold H Zar

I have a spelling checker.
It came with my PC.
It plane lee marks four my revue 
Miss steaks aye can knot sea. 

Eye ran this poem threw it, 
Your sure reel glad two no.
Its vary polished in it's weigh. 
My checker tolled me sew. 

A checker is a bless sing. 
It freeze yew lodes of thyme. 
It helps me right awl stiles two reed, 
And aides me when aye rime. 

Each frays come posed up on my screen 
Eye trussed too be a joule. 
The checker pours o'er every word 
To cheque sum spelling rule. 

Bee fore a veiling checker's 
Hour spelling mite decline, 
And if we're lacks oar have a laps, 
We wood bee maid to wine. 

Butt now bee cause my spelling 
Is checked with such grate flare, 
Their are know fault's with in my cite, 
Of nun eye am a wear. 

Now spelling does knot phase me, 
it does knot bring a tier. 
My pay purrs awl due glad den 
With wrapped word's fare as hear. 

To rite with care is quite a feet 
Of witch won should bee proud, 
And wee mussed dew the best wee can, 
Sew flaw's are knot aloud. 

Sow ewe can sea why aye dew prays 
Such soft wear four pea seas, 
And why eye brake in two averse 
Buy righting want too pleas. 

1. Most of your friends can pronounce Gouraud first time.
2. When you fist heard that some people used 16 million colours you wondered whatever for and continued to write colour-map tables for correct highlights on objects.
3. You remember comp.graphics when there weren't enough articles for you to read, none of them included the word PC and nobody ever asked the difference between raytracing and rendering.
4. You insist that DOOM does not use raycasting. (Technically, as it was first introduced, and anyway, who plays games at your age?)
5. Your partner knows the difference between scientific visualisation and photorealistic rendering, even though they wouldn't know a polygon from a camel.
6. You think an SGI Indy is OK for a quick hack but not a real graphics machine.
7. You remember discussing how one day there would be graphics hardware to support rendering in desktop machines and people laughed.
8. You watched the Last Starfighter in an empty theatre and marvelled thinking it was even better than TRON.
9. You remember thinking that parallel computers would solve your graphics problems.
10. You remember when you thought X was a high level graphics language.
11. You get drunk and suddenly get really excited examining the light reflected through the whisky.
12. You get despondent while walking in the woods and think "I'll never be able to render this in real time."
13. You once sat up all night watching your home computer calculate the mandlebrot set with 16 colours and a resolution of 200x200.
14. You sat up the next night with colleagues watching your home computer calculate the mandlebrot set with 16 colours and a resolution of 200x200.
15. Your address book has email entries for Benoit, James F, and Prof David R and Eric.
16. You think being a computer geek is only half way there.
17. You wonder how nature processes all those photons so quickly.
18. When people mention the word graphics you really insist they are more accurate in their terminology.
19. You get irritated by people who say, "Oh, graphics, that's a solved problem" (even if they then go on to be precise about what they mean by the term "graphics").
20. You own one or more of the following: a glass sphere, a prism, more then two copies of Foley and Van Dam, a computer which cost more than your car, a computer which cost more than your house, a pet named Phong, a graphics board from a defunct supercomputer (properly framed) or a Rubics Cube (original).
21. You get 75% or more of these jokes.

1. Lower corner of screen has the words "Etch-a-sketch" on it.
2. It's celebrity spokesman is that "Hey Vern!" guy.
3. In order to start it you need some jumper cables and a friend's car.
4. It's slogan is "Pentium: redefining mathematics".
5. The "quick reference" manual is 120 pages long.
6. Whenever you turn it on, all the dogs in your neighborhood start howling. The screen often displays the message, "Ain't it break time yet?" The manual contains only one sentence: "Good Luck!" The only chip inside is a Dorito. You've decided that your computer is an excellent addition to your fabulous paperweight collection.