Business

Dear __________________________,

I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening come available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition: (Check those that apply)

__ Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.

__ Your first name is objectionable. It's just not something I can picture myself yelling out in a fit of passion.

__ The fact that our finest dining experience to date has been at McDonald's reveals a thriftiness that I find unappealing.

__ Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms by the truckload" indicates that you may be interested in me for something other than my personality.

__ You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.

__ Your breasts are bigger than mine.

__ Your legs are skinnier than mine. If you can FIT into my pants, then you can't GET into my pants.

__ You're too short. Any son that we produced would inevitably be beaten up repeatedly at recess. AMEN!

__ You're too tall. I'm developing a chronic neck condition from trying to kiss you.

__ The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.

__ Although I do enjoy the X-Files, I find your wardrobe of Star Trek uniforms a little disconcerting.

__ Your frequent references to your ex-girlfriend lead me to suspect that you are some sort of psychotic stalker.

__ Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a trait that I am seeking in a long term partner.

__ Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should, however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application.

__ The fact that you categorize the ProBowler's Tour as 'Must See TV' demonstrated that you do not meet my intelligence requirements.

__ Somehow I doubt those condoms that I found in your overnight bag were really necessary for a successful business trip.

__ I am out of your league; set your sights lower next time.

Sincerely,

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

2. If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke.

3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.

4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lose all use of my limbs.

5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is priority. I am psychic.

6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.

7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.

8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.

9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.

10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to managers' hell.

12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so much taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.

13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I'm not here for the money anyway.

When they got to the doctor's office, the man lifted his wife's coat to show him their predicament. The man asked, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?"

"Well, yes," the doctor replied, "but never framed."

"In the back of your truck there's a shotgun. Shoot the pig in the head and when it stops wriggling you can pull it out and throw it in a bush."

The farm worker agrees and signs off. About 10 minutes later he radios back. "Boss I did what you said, I shot the pig and dragged it out and threw it in a bush."

"So what's the problem now?" his Boss snapped.

"The blue light on his bike is still flashing!"