Bush

Ignoring the fact that George Bush declined Saddam Hussein's challenge to a televised debate, Tim Dowling exclusively reveals what could have happened had they met

Tuesday February 25, 2003

Tony Blair, moderator: Welcome to the first televised debate between George W. Bush and Saddam Hussein, live from United Nations headquarters in New York. We will begin with a brief opening statement from each of you.

, Bush: First of all I would just like to welcome my evil friend to the UN, one of the great American institutions for the propulsion of freedom throughout the world.

Saddam: Thank you, Great Satan. I hope that in today's debate we may find some common ground between the Iraqi people's commitment to peace and human progress and America's desire to destroy the Middle East.

Bush: Do I answer that?

Blair: No. The first question is quite simply this: do you have any links with al-Qaida?

Bush: I do not.

Blair: The question is for Saddam.

Saddam: As I told Mr. Tony Benn clearly and simply, if I had links with al-Qaida and I enjoyed those links then I would not be ashamed to tell the world, but since I am ashamed to tell the world of this, it follows that I have no such links.

Bush: Neither do I.

Blair: The second question is for President Bush. President Bush, if America and Iraq were to go to war tomorrow, who would win?

Bush: That's easy. America, right?

Saddam: Even I knew that one.

Bush: That's because the great United American States of America are on the side of rightliness and Americanity, against an evil Axis of Evil made up of Iraq, North Korea and... how many are in an axis? Three?

Blair: I think you're allowed as many as you like.

Bush: OK, Iraq, North Korea and France.!

Saddam: I will tell you frankly and directly that Iraq is not part of any Axis of Evil.

Bush: Who am I thinking of then? Irania?

Blair: Let's move on. Saddam, are you willing to destroy your stockpile of Samoud 2 missiles in accordance with UN weapons inspectors' orders?

Saddam: I explain to you now that if Iraq possessed these so-called weapons, we would never destroy them, but since we do not have any such weapons, we are happy to comply, even though these non-existent weapons certainly do not exceed the proscribed range of 150 kms. I've tested them myself, and we don't have any.

Blair: The final question is for George Bush. Mr President, is there any way that Saddam Hussein can avoid war, and what steps must he now take in order to reach a negotiated solution?

Bush: Listen to me. It's very simple. First Saddam must compile 200% with the UN inspectorers, and I mean activated compilation, not passivist compilation. Second, he must disarm fully, in keeping with UN revelation 1441 and the next one coming, 1441B, which will require him to disarm even more fully than that. Then he must destroy all Samoud missiles and any other weapons of mass destruction he is found, or not found, to be possessive of, without being asked. Finally, there is one more task he must perform, which I am not at liberty to revulge. And even that will not be enough.

Blair: The translator would like to take your answer home with him and work on it over the weekend.

Bush: Fine, but we require nothing less than total disarmature.

Saddam: OK.

Blair: Sorry, but I'm not sure that "disarmature" is a word. I defer to the UN Keeper of the Dictionary, Mr Richard Stilgoe.

Stilgoe: Yes, you can have disarmature. It means, "the action of disarming" according to the OED.

Bush: Exactly. He must cut his own arms off.

Saddam: If it means peace, I will do it.

Bush: Too late.

Stilgoe: Did you know that Saddam Hussein is an anagram of 'Demands a Sushi'?

Saddam: Yes, I've heard them all.

Bush: I don't eat sushi. Is there a fish option?

Blair: I'd like to remind everyone at home that the Monica Lewinsky-Tonya Harding fight follows after the break.

I asked a Jew who he was going to vote for as president.

He said, "Well, the last time Jews listened to a bush, they wandered in the desert for 40 years."

This week, the Bush administration finally released the official start-date of the U.S. war in Iraq, giving the United Nations a March 17th deadline by which to disband, or face total annihilation. As a side-note the White House also designated that date as the deadline by which Iraq must be fully disarmed in order to avoid the gift of democracy. Secretary of State Colin Powell spoke to reporters after addressing the U.N. earlier this week, explaining that, "even though we consider the destruction of the Iraqi people a major priority, our greater motivation is to completely undermine the United Nations as a credible or functioning entity in global affairs. We wouldn't be accused so consistently of violating international law if there was no international law of which to speak."

Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld elaborated on that position Friday, chuckling that, "that should take care of some of the crybabys." D

During the same briefing, Donald Rumsfeld addressed his notorious remarks that characterized the opposition to America's war in Iraq as "old Europe," clarifying that, "when I used that term to describe countries like France and Germany, I just meant it in the respect that when we're through with the world, they won't have electricity, running water, or gay bathhouses, just like in Medieval times ."

So as the deadline approaches, the U.N.'s fifteen member security council remains sharply divided on the matter, but President Bush has maintained his steadfast confidence in the necessity of action in Iraq, strengthened by his belief that, "Jesus would never send a Yale man to Hell." In light of international pleas, from both nation members of the U.N. and a weapon inspections team headed by Hans Blix, to continue pursuing peaceful disarmament, President Bush stated during his Thursday press conference that, "I think it's clear beyond a reasonable doubt that we are still in a diplomatic phase right now. War is not inevitable. Saddam Hussein has until March 17th to decide. If by then 2 million Iraqi people spontaneously die, Saddam Hussein drowns in his kitchen sink, the United Nations stops inventing treaties we don't want to sign, oil becomes obsolete, Iraq changes its national anthem to "Downtown" by Petula Clark, I win yet another term without having to undergo a democratic election, my father stops referring to me remorsefully as "Barbara's night of indiscretion with a sub-average Ferris-wheel operator from a genetically questionable Mississippi pharmaceutical town," and Iraq fully and finally disarms, then we can begin to make some peaceful progress. It's a very simple demand that has been met with resistance, lies, and deception for more than a decade. This is Saddam Hussein's last chance to prove he can disarm to avert war."

Going into this weekend, Iraq responded to the American proposed deadline by quickening the pace of its missile destruction, under the observation of U.N. weapons inspectors. By Sunday afternoon, the number of dismantled weapons had jumped from six to 46. President Bush responded to these efforts of disarmament, opening and closing his remarks by indicating that, "that's not what we mean by disarmament." In order to better qualify the vagueness of America's demands, the President explained that later in the week that, "while we consider regime change in Iraq inevitable, we consider war completely evitable."

As the White House seriously contemplates the offhand possibility of war, cautiously weighing the costs and benefits therein, a quarter of a million U.S. troops have massed on the desert borders of Iraq, "for a military symposium on the importance of sand," according to an unidentified officer stationed in Kuwait. Armed Forces General Tommy Franks spoke further on the special event that includes such sand-oriented educational clinics as driving tanks in the sand, blowing craters in the sand and littering the sand with body parts, stating that, "while the convention is geared toward tactical maneuvering in the sand, we are also acutely aware of our coincidental proximity to Iraq. And in the unlikely event that President Bush orders a strike on Iraq, we are prepared to send our valued sand experts home and go to work. We may be in the midst of a crucial training phase, but the United States army is always ready to answer the call of duty, no matter how suddenly it comes."

And while it bears repeating that the war in Iraq is still avoidable according to the Bush administration, White House Press Secretary Ari Fleischer warned Americans during a Friday press conference that, "the coming war, which is being done to prevent terrorism at home and abroad, will certainly renew the great threat of terrorist attacks against the United States and its friends and allies." And to combat the routinely non-specific nature of Homeland Security's recent terror alerts, he introduced the White House's newest measure in ensuring the complete pervasion of an insane and unquenchable panic in the American public, unveiling www.itcouldbeyou.gov. The new, federally maintained website will give Americans the opportunity to sign in, enter personal information and find out if they, individually, could be the next victim of a terrorist attack. Fleischer described it as "a great way to assess your own vulnerability." All you have to do is enter your name, address, social security number, credit card information, a copy of the deed to your house, the number of crimes you've been convicted of, the names of all the communists you've ever met, read or seen on television, you're favorite pillar of Islam and three magazines that you'd most like to receive great subscription deals on and we tell you whether or not you, your family or your friends could be the next victims of a fundamentalist terrorist attack. If the answer is yes, you will be presented with a list of products that could protect you from terrorism, thanks to an agreement between the administration and the Best Buy superstore chain. The site will also feature such purchase options as anti-terror supply gift certificates, local militia recruitment videos and personal crowd control tasers.

President Bush wakes up one morning, looks out of the White House window and sees "The President Sucks" written in the snow in urine. Furious, he calls in the FBI and demands the perpetrators be found. Later that day the FBI agents return.

"Well sir," says the first agent, "the urine has been analysed and it's the Vice President's". Bush goes purple with rage and shouts, "Is that all?"

"Well no sir," says the agent, "It's the First Lady's handwriting."