Bush

At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult, "Gonzales said. They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value.

They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as unknowns, but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, "There are 3 sides to every triangle."

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."

Here's what the heck they mean in the Lone Star State...

• The engine's runnin' but ain't nobody driving = Not too smart
• As welcome as a skunk at a lawn party = An unwelcome person
• Tighter than bark on a tree = Stingy
• Big hat, no cattle = All talk, no action
• We've howdied but we ain't shook yet = We've met, but haven't been formally introduced
• He thinks the sun come up just to hear him crow = He thinks his s#%! doesn't stink
• She's got tongue enough for ten rows of teeth = She's a talker
• It's so dry the trees are bribin' the dogs = Rain would be nice
• Just because a chicken has wings doesn't mean it can fly = Appearances can be deceiving
• This ain't my first rodeo = I've been around the block
• He looks like the dog's been keepin' him under the porch = U-G-L-Y
• They ate supper before they said grace = They're living in sin
• Time to paint your butt white and run with the antelope = Stop arguing and do as you're told
• As full of wind as a corn-eating horse = A braggart
• You can put your boots in the oven, but that doesn't make them biscuits = You can say whatever you want, but that doesn't change a thing

Three cowboys were hanging out in a bar, discussing George W. Bush's visit to their ranch earlier that day.

"The funniest part," the first one said, "was when he kept trying to honk the cow's horns, complaining that they didn't work."

They laughed, and then the second cowboy said, "No, the best was when he asked if being a cowboy meant that I was half-cow."

They all laughed louder, and then the third cowboy said, "No, boys, the best was when he tried to milk that steer!"

What do George Bush's wife and the American flag have in common?
They both go down in the name of the president.